Fat People In Bathing Suits
As I said in my last post, I went to Schlitterbaun with my family recently. For those of you unfamiliar with Texas or that particular place here in the state, it’s a sort of German themed water park. Overall not a bad place; my only complaint is that it is technically three water parks in which you have to take a bus in order to reach each section. But whatever, that’s neither here nor there. Schlitterbaun if you’re reading this, I love your park and I recommend it to everyone…who’s blind. I’m sure that could be said about every water park in the world that doesn’t adhere to a strict ‘super models only’ rule. I’m by no means saying I belong in a Calvin Klein ad naked with someone’s thumb in my ass; in other words I’m no model. But I don’t induce ipecac style vomiting upon the accidental glance of my bathing suit clad body either.
When the fuck did it become socially acceptable to be pushing 300, look like your legs were mercilessly attacked by an animated bag of quarters and show up in public not in a conservative one-piece bathing suit but in a Brazilian porn worthy two piece bikini? I get the fact that you’re comfortable with your body but God dammit I’m not! For Christ’s sake, put on one of those 60’s tutu style swimsuits. It’s bad enough I have to share the water with incontinent children (including my own), walk where AID’s infected feet have been and smell the body odor of sweat soaked geriatrics who simply walk around to stare at little boys, but now I have to be visually assaulted with your gunt (gut/cunt)? Hide that nasty bastard!
And guys you’re not excluded from this verbal ass kicking either. You know you’re going to a water park; for the love of everything holy, wax your back and chest! There’s nothing worse than having your stray pubic hair violently forced between my teeth upon hitting the water after shot gunning down a water slide at 100mph! Besides, it’s summer…it would be a lot cooler if you didn’t have your permanent snuggy wrapped around your fat ass in a 120 degree weather.
I could go on and on about the absurd things people wear at water parks but I should let my blood pressure go down a little before I give myself an aneurism. Seriously ladies, it’s awesome you could mash a 180 hotdogs down your giant gullet in under 30 seconds, but I don’t need to see the body of said “world-class athlete” in the bathing suit of the Victoria’s Secret model you just ate; put some fucking clothes on!