Grocery Shopping Hell

I’m not opposed to shopping; I like buying new things like clothes and electronics every now and then.  But what I do avoid like the proverbial plague is grocery shopping.  It’s not the stores themselves; it’s the special kind of idiot who doesn’t realize there are actually other people in the store with them.

First of all, just walking down each aisle is like going the wrong way down a one way street during rush hour traffic.  All I ask is that you push your cart full of Little Debbie’s and Diet Coke down the right hand side of the aisle.  You know…basic fucking driving etiquette (if you’re from England, go fuck yourself and get with the program).  That’s basically all shopping carts are anyway; little versions of cars.  So move the fuck over and share the road you no manner having ass hat.

Second, if you’re going to look at the back of a product for longer than 5 seconds, move out of the way while doing so.  I know you’re concerned about which bag of donuts has less trans-fat or which box of macaroni has the cheesiest ‘for real’, real American cheddar cheese powder, but I’m running late for dinner and my daughter is gonna flip her wig if I don’t come home with her box, any box, of that orange, crack like side dish. 

“Not the white cheese, so help me God dad, not the white cheese!” 

I allow her that shit once a month.  Not necessarily because it’s bad for her; it’s just so she knows who’s running shit and making decisions in the house…besides mommy.

Then there’s the moron who doesn’t stand in front of the display, but stands in the middle of the damn aisle using their cart as a fucking road block as if protecting the gates of Fort Knox…or hell; probably hell because only a child of Satan would be such a dick-hole.  Who the holy shit are you and why do I have to be polite and say, “I’m sorry ma’am, may I get by?”  What the fuck is that and why am I the only asshole who seems to have any manners?!  Are you so God damned egotistical that you think you’re alone here?  It’s freaking Wal-Mart on Friday f’ing evening!  Every retard in a white trash uniform is here hanging out, which I might add are also clogging up the aisles (much like the effect Kirstie Alley’s bowel movements have on her poor plumbing).  So open those portals to infinite emptiness and pay the fuck attention to your surroundings.  I’m guessing you’re also the same ass clown that cut me off on the freeway because you were too busy talking to your 30 year old son “sugar butt”, to look in your rearview mirror and make sure the lane was clear.

Finally, there’s the pushy jerk behind me that gets right up on my ass as if trying to smell what brand of toilet paper I use.  Do you mind if I find the antifungal cream without being able to feel your nasty, hot breath on my neck, because I got a wicked bad rash on my ass and as close as you are to my brown eye I’d be careful, this shit just might spread like an STD in a nursing home (I heard old people are whores).  In short, stay the fuck out of my personal bubble!  If you can see the cell structure of my skin and you’re not my doctor, chances are you’re too fucking close!  So back off a little and let me breathe some of the air that isn’t your recycled breath.  Happy Shopping!

12 Responses to “Grocery Shopping Hell”
  1. mjennings523 says:

    if you need more then five seconds to read a label, move
    if you crowd me while im reading labels, fuck you

  2. Just for the record. This is like a cliff hanger. What brand of toilet paper does your brown eye use?

  3. Evil Bekka says:

    Oh. my. !!! It’s like you heard my next Airing of Grievances post while it was still angrily gestating in my head and brought it to life! I refuse to go to wal-mart for the reasons you so colorfully describe. But the grocery store in BFE, Appalachia is just as bad on a Friday after 5. Every stinking time I think I can cut down an aisle and grab the ONE THING I need there, someone stops walking briskly along, parks their cart diagonally and destroys my last flickering shred of hope (maybe I can still squeeze through…) by parking themselves in the rest of the aisle and staring blankly at the dazzling array of potato chips. Excellent post!! Oh, and for those with check-out angst: avoid getting behind senior citizens (who pay with checks) and anyone with small children. I don’t care how long the other line is, the ones with those people will be ten times the wait. Now, I need to go chill out… because I do need some groceries soon and it doesn’t do to go into battle already upset…

    • graysonjack says:

      Apprently you feel my pain! My social anxiety is entirely too bad to be messing around with rude people at the grocery store…especially Wal-Mart. I will pay extra to avoid that place. I’m glad you enjoyed the post and I hope my rant doesn’t in any way keep you from writing on the same subject in your Airing of Grievances. Sounds like you have some stuff you could add. I find solice in belonging to a group that hates other shoppers haha! Thanks for the comment Evil Bekka!

  4. Nick says:

    LMAO! A cart full of Little Debbie and Diet Coke… I wish I could say that cartload is foreign to me, but I’d be lying.

  5. Oh my god, cell structure of my skin, lmfaoooo. Seriously, thanks for writing this. I was convinced I was the only asshat who has an almost-panic attack from people being too close to me, and the only one who was unlucky enough to ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE STANDING IN FRONT OF WHATEVER IT IS I WANT TO BUY AND THEY ARE WAY TOO STUPID/INCONSIDERATE/SELFISH/OBLIVIOUS TO FUCKING CARE. Sorry, you got me all worked up. Awesome post.

    • graysonjack says:

      Haha you are definitely not the only one! It never fails either, someone is always standing where I want to look and just plain being rude. You’re cracking my shit up, I think you’re just as irritated as me…if not more! Thanks for the comment and I love your rant even more.

  6. This was brilliant! And so well written! In India, it is even more annoying because the checkout experience sucks. More often than not, the cashier is also the bagger and works at super slow speed. He also decides that putting tomatoes at the bottom of the bag is a very good idea especially if there are a couple of bottles of coke to be put on top. And of course, just when I manage to reach the counter, the credit card machine runs out of paper and the cashier spends an agonising 10 minutes figuring out how to replace it. Oh, and in some supermarkets, all check in counters share one machine so I find myself running from counter to counter trying to pay for my groceries. It makes me want to indulge in shop-lifting but my stupid conscience speaks up.

    • graysonjack says:

      Thank you so much! Yeah, my father went to India a little while back and he said it was crazy busy everywhere he went. I wouldn’t last a day if it’s like you say. I have to admit, the people and the resulting lines have led me to consider the whole shoplifting thing my self. But jail is probably worse than the grocery store.

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