5 Rules To Follow When Talking To Me (3-5)

Posted by graysonjack on August 26, 2011 · 24 Comments 

Alright, here are rules 3-5.  To recap: Rule 1 is Respect my personal bubble; Rule 2 is Don’t Talk So Much.  If you didn’t read the first two, go here.

3.)  Don’t ‘Phrase Repeat’-  I know a gentleman who is by all accounts a great human being and quite funny as well.  He has a great job, an attorney wife and beautiful daughter.  What’s funny about him is that he is black.  Ok, that’s not the funny part but very relevant; what’s funny is that he’s a Republican and rants about how the African American race is basically “self-destructing under its own ignorance”.  Those are his words, not mine.  That’s all cupcakes and rainbows; I don’t care about his politics other than to get a bit of a laugh.  What’s annoying is that African American affectation so many have, “You know what I’m sayin’?”  Every other phrase is, “You know what I’m sayin’.”  I just want to scream sometimes, “No!  No I fucking don’t know because all I can focus on is how many times you say, ‘know what I’m sayin’.  Dead silence between sentences is quite alright; like I tell the 7 year old, you don’t have to fill every gap in conversation with meaningless utterances. 

Don’t call me racist just yet.  Plenty of crackers do this as well; like a particularly pigment challenged friend of mine who can’t tell a story without spatting out ‘blah blah blah’ at least ten separate times. 

“Hold on, wait!  Timmy went to Mexico, found some $2 transvestite hookers, blah blah blah, Navy Seal sniper team rescued him from a compound in Angola owned by a Sri Lankan drug lord?  What the ‘f’ just happened?!  What’s ‘blah blah blah’?  How did Timmy end up in fucking Angola and why have you said the word ‘blah’ 27 times in the last three minutes?  Fuck your story and fuck Timmy!  I’m outta here!

4.)  No Bragging and 1 Upping-  This is an easy one.  I barely care that you are a human being standing in front of me and that I have known you for at least 2 or 5 or 10 years.  What on God’s green earth makes you think I in any way care that you just bought a brand new, shiny, as-seen-on-TV spatula.  Seriously, if you’ve known me for any length of time, you know the only extensive talking I do is either making questionably bad jokes or writing; and for obvious reasons I can’t force you to read anything I write…so why do you think I want to talk to you, much less hear you brag about anything that doesn’t involve me.  Keep it short and sweet and move the hell out of my way.

Next is the one-upper.  I didn’t tell you about my new-to-me, $750, 1986 Ford Escort for you to jump in and tell me that you bought a 2014 Hummer last month for $75,000 and that it gets like 4 miles/ounce.  Way to piss in my corn flakes asshole.  You couldn’t wait to rub it in my face could you?  Hummers suck anyway…and so do you.

What’s worse is when someone tops you on something negative; “Oh, you have the flu?  Yeah, I had the Ebola virus last week.  My eyeballs were bleeding profusely and I shit a kidney.  Good luck with your flu though.”

And finally, there’s the one-upper/bragger who does it over dumb shit.  “What are you having for dinner…Riceroni?  Oh, well guess what we’re having…yeah…Peter’s cooking up some Porter-houses, potatoes au-gratin, sautéed asparagus and homemade rolls.  Bet you wanna eat with us huh?” 

“No!  As a matter of fact I don’t.  Fuck your dinner rolls and enjoy doing all those dishes.  My plates can go in the trash!  Top that…bitches!”

5.)  Don’t Do Any Combination of/ or All Four-  I’m supposedly ADHD, which is cool because I like adderall, but if it’s getting late in the day or I just forgot to take that wonderful pill, be warned; I’ll let you know if either I’m bored with what you’re saying or if you’re irritating me.  I routinely tell people, mid-story, that they better pick it up because they’re losing me fast.  I don’t have the attention span to fuck around with a lot of useless words.  Get to your point!  (Much like you’re saying with this post I’m sure.)  I’m sorry if it hurts your feelings but you have to consider the alternative, me being more interested with anything other than your flapping gums.

If you’re irritating me by bragging or getting all up in my dental work, I will start off subtly by slowly backing away or being as short as possible when you pause for my reaction; like not even a full word, just a barely audible sound and head nod.  If it continues, I will simply say “That’s nice” and walk away.  I hate being rude, I detest it so much that usually I will endure most bad conversations and bad situations so as not to make another person feel bad.  It’s contradictory to my personality in that I generally dislike people, but for some reason, my parent’s teachings have been ingrained into my brain.  It might be the neurotic voice in my head telling me that being rude is a sin that I’ll burn in hell for; thanks mom!

Anyway, to break it down Barney-style, keep it short, sweet and do it from a comfortable distance.  Consider for just half a second that perhaps not everyone likes to be force-fed conversation.  After-all, I can barely tolerate when my own kids speak to me.

Filed under rants in list form · Tagged with Adderall, ADHD, Angola, Barack Obama, Humor, Personal Bubble, Rant, Story Topper