5 Rules To Follow When Talking To Me (3-5)

Alright, here are rules 3-5.  To recap: Rule 1 is Respect my personal bubble; Rule 2 is Don’t Talk So Much.  If you didn’t read the first two, go here.

3.)  Don’t ‘Phrase Repeat’-  I know a gentleman who is by all accounts a great human being and quite funny as well.  He has a great job, an attorney wife and beautiful daughter.  What’s funny about him is that he is black.  Ok, that’s not the funny part but very relevant; what’s funny is that he’s a Republican and rants about how the African American race is basically “self-destructing under its own ignorance”.  Those are his words, not mine.  That’s all cupcakes and rainbows; I don’t care about his politics other than to get a bit of a laugh.  What’s annoying is that African American affectation so many have, “You know what I’m sayin’?”  Every other phrase is, “You know what I’m sayin’.”  I just want to scream sometimes, “No!  No I fucking don’t know because all I can focus on is how many times you say, ‘know what I’m sayin’.  Dead silence between sentences is quite alright; like I tell the 7 year old, you don’t have to fill every gap in conversation with meaningless utterances. 

Don’t call me racist just yet.  Plenty of crackers do this as well; like a particularly pigment challenged friend of mine who can’t tell a story without spatting out ‘blah blah blah’ at least ten separate times. 

“Hold on, wait!  Timmy went to Mexico, found some $2 transvestite hookers, blah blah blah, Navy Seal sniper team rescued him from a compound in Angola owned by a Sri Lankan drug lord?  What the ‘f’ just happened?!  What’s ‘blah blah blah’?  How did Timmy end up in fucking Angola and why have you said the word ‘blah’ 27 times in the last three minutes?  Fuck your story and fuck Timmy!  I’m outta here!

4.)  No Bragging and 1 Upping-  This is an easy one.  I barely care that you are a human being standing in front of me and that I have known you for at least 2 or 5 or 10 years.  What on God’s green earth makes you think I in any way care that you just bought a brand new, shiny, as-seen-on-TV spatula.  Seriously, if you’ve known me for any length of time, you know the only extensive talking I do is either making questionably bad jokes or writing; and for obvious reasons I can’t force you to read anything I write…so why do you think I want to talk to you, much less hear you brag about anything that doesn’t involve me.  Keep it short and sweet and move the hell out of my way.

Next is the one-upper.  I didn’t tell you about my new-to-me, $750, 1986 Ford Escort for you to jump in and tell me that you bought a 2014 Hummer last month for $75,000 and that it gets like 4 miles/ounce.  Way to piss in my corn flakes asshole.  You couldn’t wait to rub it in my face could you?  Hummers suck anyway…and so do you.

What’s worse is when someone tops you on something negative; “Oh, you have the flu?  Yeah, I had the Ebola virus last week.  My eyeballs were bleeding profusely and I shit a kidney.  Good luck with your flu though.”

And finally, there’s the one-upper/bragger who does it over dumb shit.  “What are you having for dinner…Riceroni?  Oh, well guess what we’re having…yeah…Peter’s cooking up some Porter-houses, potatoes au-gratin, sautéed asparagus and homemade rolls.  Bet you wanna eat with us huh?” 

“No!  As a matter of fact I don’t.  Fuck your dinner rolls and enjoy doing all those dishes.  My plates can go in the trash!  Top that…bitches!”

5.)  Don’t Do Any Combination of/ or All Four-  I’m supposedly ADHD, which is cool because I like adderall, but if it’s getting late in the day or I just forgot to take that wonderful pill, be warned; I’ll let you know if either I’m bored with what you’re saying or if you’re irritating me.  I routinely tell people, mid-story, that they better pick it up because they’re losing me fast.  I don’t have the attention span to fuck around with a lot of useless words.  Get to your point!  (Much like you’re saying with this post I’m sure.)  I’m sorry if it hurts your feelings but you have to consider the alternative, me being more interested with anything other than your flapping gums.

If you’re irritating me by bragging or getting all up in my dental work, I will start off subtly by slowly backing away or being as short as possible when you pause for my reaction; like not even a full word, just a barely audible sound and head nod.  If it continues, I will simply say “That’s nice” and walk away.  I hate being rude, I detest it so much that usually I will endure most bad conversations and bad situations so as not to make another person feel bad.  It’s contradictory to my personality in that I generally dislike people, but for some reason, my parent’s teachings have been ingrained into my brain.  It might be the neurotic voice in my head telling me that being rude is a sin that I’ll burn in hell for; thanks mom!

Anyway, to break it down Barney-style, keep it short, sweet and do it from a comfortable distance.  Consider for just half a second that perhaps not everyone likes to be force-fed conversation.  After-all, I can barely tolerate when my own kids speak to me.

24 Responses to “5 Rules To Follow When Talking To Me (3-5)”
  1. Johnson Chen says:

    maybe it’s just my age group, but do you ever get ,”bro”, “brother”, etc. at the end of every sentence?,

    “How many more reps you got, bro?”
    “Yo bro you gonna eat that?”
    “Broo-skii! Haven’t seen you in a minute!”
    yeah well there’s a REASON, douche!

    great blog, btw – it’s definitely, “funny cuz it’s true” for pretty much everything said on this site

  2. Maybe I also have ADHD because I, too, hate conversations that last longer than a few minutes. My biggest pet peeve (which is a supplement to the lengthy conversation rule) is people who have no filters. You know the ones – they have to tell you EVERY detail of the story, even the mundane ones that aren’t relevant to anyone, anywhere. They can really make conversing painful.
    Great post!

    • graysonjack says:

      I'm going teenage girl here and saying: OMG, I totally know what you mean!I work with a guy who does that every. single. day.We call him a 'me monster'.He even walks into the middle of our lab when he's on the phone and talks loudly so everyone can here his pointless conversation with his wife. Ugh.Thanks for the comment!

      • lifewith4cats says:

        So, if you must suffer, everyone must. hmmm? 😉 Forgive me… I just gotta top that.

        Try having an old lady, track you down then corner you, to tell you all the gossip that fills her little brain, about people you couldnt care less about. I kid you not, I actualy HAVE backed away… she still keeps talking even if I’m 150 yards away. Its torment, yet Im too darn polite. I think she knows I hate talking. My only legal course of action is hiding. 😉

  3. lifewith4cats says:

    I’ll go ahead and pretend theres nothing wrong with actually reading your list. Really, I’m not pathetic at all. heheh. I very much enjoyed the phrase, I barely care that you are a human being standing in front of me and that I have known you for at least 2 or 5 or 10 years.

    Theres good news in your future. I find that the longer a person stays married, they can eventualy communicate to the better half using only grunts, then words become unnecissary. I do it all the time. ;D

    • graysonjack says:

      I look forward to grunts; that means less talking.I like less talking.Haha.Anyway, I don't think you're pathetic at all, nope, not one bit; my list is totally awesome and you should love it.Ok, now I'm the pathetic one.So yeah, thanks for reading and I look forward to your next post!

  4. Nick says:

    “Oh, you have the flu? Yeah, I had the Ebola virus last week. My eyeballs were bleeding profusely and I shit a kidney. Good luck with your flu though.”

    LMAO! I too have noticed that one-upping is becoming a serious problem. Also, the accompanying photo is perfection. Loved this post!

  5. What’s worse is when someone tops you on something negative; “Oh, you have the flu? Yeah, I had the Ebola virus last week. My eyeballs were bleeding profusely and I shit a kidney. Good luck with your flu though.”

    This is so true. I have always wondered why being more miserable than someone else is something to brag about. And it is damn fucking annoying. Seriously? I have enough to deal with, why should I bother with how much worse your life is? How is it even relevant to me?

    BTW, I have a problem with being rude too. Stupid morals ingrained in me. Perhaps, that is why I am one step away from moving to the mountains and living on berries (I happen to be vegetarian- random information alert!). I would add ‘random information’ to my list of what not to do when you speak to me. I mean, why should you care whether I am vegetarian or whatever, right?

    Great post!

    • graysonjack says:

      Haha…I think you and i see eye to eye! People are so into themselves that they can’t stand to be outdone on anything. As for you being vegetarian, you’re right, it shouldn’t matter one bit…to each their own. And living on a mountain; i’m right behind you! That’s my dream! Except Id be hunting lol. Thanks for the comment!

  6. Upgrayedd says:

    #3 made me think of this

  7. medtxpack says:

    Dude, i have a blog and its really good, might be cooler than yours, i mean ive hd it a little longer and its really cool, you know what im sayin?! hahaha

  8. brainrants says:

    AWESOME. You ought to go to the Dilbert site and search for all the “Topper” Dilberts…

  9. LOL great post 🙂

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