Donation for Salvation

I classify myself as a Christian; hell, I have a huge Jesus tattoo on my arm, along with various crosses and religious symbols.  What I’m not however, is evangelical.  I don’t go to church and I don’t judge vegans for going against God.  Ok, that last example was a joke; calm down, I judge them like everyone else.  But I do have my beliefs.  Bilking the kind-hearted, scared and easily impressionable people of this great land out of millions of dollars a year for “salvation” is not one of those beliefs.

Televangelical  preachers such as Joel Osteen or Robert Tilton make the bile in my stomach boil.  Some years ago when I still drank heavily, I was sitting on the couch, hammered, and flipping through the channels on TV when I came across Mr. Robert Tilton.  His passion flew forth from the screen like a disciple of righteousness giving a sermon from the Mount of Olives as Jesus himself did…with one difference.  I’m not 100% positive as I wasn’t yet born, but I don’t think Mr. Christ interjected requests for donations to ensure his followers salvation during his teachings.  As a matter of fact, I think that whole “dying on the cross” bit had something to do with my being allowed into that giant member’s only club in the sky. 

The longer I sat there listening to this purveyor of lies and deception (his words describing Satan), the more angry I got.  Now I know in my ‘about’ page, I said if you’re easily offended etc. etc., don’t read this blog, which means follow my own advice and turn the damn channel; but you have to remember, when I was watching this infomercial it was 2am and I was pretty drunk…I’m allowed to be a hypocrite at that point.  Anyway, this fuck-faced, lying, two-bit hack was actually telling people to call in and donate to the church so that “God would love them and open the gates to paradise” for his people.  In return he’d send you a prayer cloth.  Are you fucking serious?!  Jesus not only condones theft and lying via religion, but apparently black magic as well?

For those of you who don’t know what a prayer cloth is, basically for a small donation Mr. Tilton will send you a green piece of cloth that he “anointed” (probably in China), with which you rub on yourself while naked and cutting the head off of a chicken, and God will grant you prosperity.  I might have made part of that up, but either way, it’s fucking extortion and preys on the down and out who send in their meager life savings, hoping in return for a miracle.  It’s disgusting and should be illegal. 

Back to the story; in my half drunken stupor I called the “Prayer Hotline” and proceeded to tear the operator a new evacuation orifice, demanding to speak with ‘ol Bobbo Tilton and questioning how she could in good conscience tell people they needed to send a check to get into heaven.  Needles to say, I didn’t get to speak with Robert and was to my chagrin, hung-up on.  Bastard.

This supposed “man of Christ” has been proven to be a fraud publicly several times, who ran less of a ministry and more of an infomercial business with a Jesus twist.  I’m not saying all preachers are not to be trusted, but I would say a good indication is if said man of God has a nicer house than what God Himself could afford, then you’re probably getting swindled.

Religion isn’t something you buy, it’s something you find.  I’ve known Hindus and Muslims who were infinitely better humans and (technically) “Christians” than some Christians could ever hope to be.  So to you mega-church ministers and guilt dealing priests of the pope, get off my TV so I can watch my Girls Gone Wild infomercial and spend my hard earned money on something that actually produces results…momentarily.

9 Responses to “Donation for Salvation”
  1. itchemeyer says:

    “calm down, I judge them like everyone else.”

    lol! kick ass post. There was a Rabbi in Israel who pulled this kind of shit for years until one guy stabbed him to death. (I’m Jewish, don’t get worried.) Apparently, if you came to him for a blessing and didn’t fork over the 10 grand or whatever, he’d give you a curse that lasted until you gave in. Not a big loss to humanity.

    • graysonjack says:

      Thanks for the comment! That’s crazy, guys like that rabbi definitely deserve some sort of punishment; I’m not sure about stabbing to death but hey, it does fix the problem!

  2. “I don’t judge vegans for going against God.”

    OK, so I don’t believe in god, but I do eat eggs and dairy products, so I’m good, right? Thanks for not judging me. 😉

  3. We have similar frauds in India also! I remember once going for this seance (sort of) in Jaipur. Apparently there was this baba there who could commune with the spirit world during certain auspicious days of the year. So, we reached there at 5 p.m. and spent the next 4 hours waiting for him to begin. Interesting story about how he communed with spirits- by chain-smoking multiple cigarettes at the same time! I think he ran through around a carton of cigarettes over the course of an hour or so. He also self-flagellated and performed a few shenanigans. The whole thing lasted about 2-3 hours after which we could get personal consultation with him. So, we waited a long time to speak to him and his solution to our problems was to hold a purification ritual which would cost a few 100 dollars. I was quite peeved by the end of it because I had spent 12 hours on this nonsense.

    In my defense, it was at the behest of my mother that we went. The things parents can do to us!

    I think religion is a sure-shot way to make money and everyone capitalises on it. This inane fear of ‘going to hell’ would make anyone do anything. Great post!

  4. brainrants says:

    Target! Those jackwads make me sick too, and are part of the reason I don’t “do church.”

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