Walmart Appropriate

Posted by graysonjack on September 7, 2011 · 6 Comments 

For those of you uninitiated to the awesomeness that is peopleofwalmart.com, you must visit it; AFTER you finish reading this post of course…and every other one I’ve written as of yet…twice.

 The site has gotten a bit of flak due to the fact that it’s mostly God’s little “mistakes” having their picture unknowingly taken and pasted all over the interwebs without their expressed written consent.  So basically it’s a sight dedicated to poking fun at the expense of some of the most ill-dressed human beings on this fair planet.  To this I say, “Good Job!”

 The way some of these folks dress is absolutely offensive, and I don’t mean the uppity PTA mom who wants to sue someone over some kid wearing a t-shirt at the mall which reads, “Fuck You”, kind of offensive.  I’m talking offensive as in “Please God throw acid on my retinas and use the Men in Black mind eraser thing on me because the image of your bra-less back boobs, muffin top and biscuit bottoms will haunt me for eternity.  The sight of your tube top hanging on for dear life, looking as though that tube were overflowing with chocolate chip cookie dough is enough to make me vomit all over your windsock-tits. 

 Do you have no one in your life who you can rely upon to give you honest advice as to whether or not your outfit is appropriate for public?  I get the fact that it’s Walmart and they have a casual dress policy but face-fuck me stupid, there are children who do not yet have the brain capacity to comprehend the absolute insanity that is barraging their sweet and innocent eyes.  There are literally young children nation-wide who’s heads are exploding as I type this because their tiny little brains cannot process the amount of loose-flowing mind-fuck that stands before them.

 Please, all I ask is that you call me.  Call me and I will be that friend you lack and the common sense which God has denied you; I will ensure you are public ready.  If you are not, I myself will purchase an oversized t-shirt and sweat pants so that you may be properly covered and can once again take pride in your appearance and no longer cause mass-fainting at stores around the country. 

 Generous readers, I cannot do this alone.  Please help me put a stop to obese tube-tops and booty shorts.  Together we can put an end to this epidemic; for just 10 cents a day, we can buy appropriate clothing for those who must shop in public while wearing trauma inducing clothing, for those who didn’t ask to be so clueless…for those who were just born disgusting and stupid. 

 One more thing: men, if you’re not at least somewhat in shape, take off the tank-top and put on a t-shirt.  Nobody is mistaking you for Ryan Gosling.  You look more like Ryan’s retarded little brother if he ran face first into a wood chipper.

 My point is, I don’t care if you’re fat or skinny, sexy or ugly; you know what you are so dress as such.  I’m by no means ripped so you won’t see me walking around in a mesh shirt and sunglasses.  If I ever get past day 3 on P-90X, then perhaps I’ll rock the mesh-wear; but until then I’ll stick with my pastel polo’s and ironic t-shirts.  I implore you to do the same.

 Now you can visit People of Walmart.

Filed under rants · Tagged with Biscuit Bottoms, Inappropriate Clothing, Men in Black, Muffin Top, People of Walmart, Ryan Gosling