Chubby Children and Fat-Fetish Pedophiles

Kids are fat these days.  Repeat that sentence to yourself several times so that it both sinks in and desensitizes you to the supposed harshness of the phrase; because unfortunately it’s the cold hard truth.  Due to factors I cannot even begin to cover, these little adorable bastards of western civilization are lazy.  The causes are a mixture of terrible diet, too much TV, video games, cell phones, i-pads, pods and various other apple products that begin with a P.  There are too many distractions that young people have which cause their candy-eating fat-asses to remain sedentary.

There’s one thing however, besides shoddy parenting that I’ve noticed much more than ever lately.  For a little back story that most if not all readers can identify with, is that when we were growing up, it wasn’t a second thought for our parents to not only let us go outside and play, but those selfish bastards made us go outside and play.  My parents practically punted my skinny ass out and locked the door.  So when I was as young as 5, me and my homies were kickin’ it gangsta style on our Huffies, pullin’ mad bitches and regulatin’ them bustas that came around slangin’ and bangin’ on our turf.  Ok, perhaps we weren’t pulling mad bitches but we sure ran the neighborhood; and no one’s parents thought twice about us being on the street without adult supervision.

All of this leads up to what I’ve seen lately…parents are fucking terrified to let Suzy out the door without at least a chastity belt on and GPS tracking device shoved gingerly up her ass.  I suppose the argument could be made about the internet being a virtual cesspool and breeding ground for pedophiles causing otherwise normal men to become inappropriate lovers of children (way to go NAMBLA).  I don’t know though, I’m no doctor and the government won’t grant me the money to do my own research (all I requested was free internet access at home).  But damn, people act like it’s some sort of sickness that spreads like a zombie virus.  Apparently if you are male, between the ages of 18 and 120, are 4 feet or taller and have a functioning penis, you’re automatically a kid toucher…and it’s not just moms freaking out!  I’m all for protecting your kids but those tubby bastards need to get outside and see what sun feels like on that pasty white skin.  Hell, even black and Hispanic kids are turning lighter shades (without the influence of an Irish ancestry). 

Seriously parents, if you’re not going to force those little mouth-breathing cake-eaters to go get some exercise with friends (in person, not via texting) because you’re afraid some pedophile has a fat-fetish, then roll your tubby lard-ass outside with them and play catch.  I’m not gonna judge a parent (too harshly) who is fat…I’ve been there.  You’re an adult who makes your own choices; but to pass that lifestyle on to a daughter or son is just cruel.  They are too young to know what is good for them and need an adult to lead by example.  Your one job as a parent is to keep them happy and healthy until they’re 18.  After that…screw em’, they pay taxes now.

If anything, put up an electric fence with razor wire and forty six surveillance cameras rolling twenty four seven, a couple guard dogs and at least one red neck style sign which warns of your willingness to shoot trespassers.  No amount of money spent is too much to ensure your kids can play safely outside while you relax worry free on your couch eating Doritos and watching football on your 60 inch plasma screen HD TV.  Priorities people…it’s all about priorities.

Now please excuse me from this post, my kids are hungry and Taco Bueno STILL doesn’t deliver; that’s just BS.

6 Responses to “Chubby Children and Fat-Fetish Pedophiles”
  1. brainrants says:

    Good post as per SOP. I completely agree. When I got home from the uphill walk from school in the snow barefoot, I got to go play with my stick collection. When freinds came over, we threw rocks at each other and took turns seeing who could take the hardest kick in the balls. Fourth of July was burning ants with a magnifying glass that I was lucky to have.

    Seriously, though, I did get out more and exercise the rest of me other than my thumbs by comparison. In fact I am still pretty skilled at entertaining myself.

  2. Why does it bother me? says:

    I used to run a children’s boutique and regularly had to refuse kids the chance to try clothes on, because they were fatter than me (a 20 something woman, with a penchant for chocolate) at the age of seven. I understand that there is risk of some pervert grabbing your kid, but there isn’t if you are THERE supervising them. In the UK the media LOVES a pervert, they try to take this outraged moral high ground and tell everyone to be aware of the dangers of speaking to anyone that hasn’t been vetted by the Police. Then they publish articles with the title ‘Perv’s eye view’ you can’t have a play on words and have the moral high ground!

  3. Evil Bekka says:

    Love it. Harsh but too true…
    When I was growing up, my siblings and I would ride off on our bikes for hours (before cell phones) and explore the woods — i.e., play in the dirty creek water, catch copperheads but run screaming from water moccasins and hide from the teenagers smoking dope. We stayed off the highway and got home before dark and that was all mom asked. Our house wasn’t childproofed either — I think the household cleaners were behind latched cabinets, but mainly you just learned not to touch pointy things or stick metal in electric sockets. And I turned out fine!!! hmmm… I turned out all right… well, I’m still alive aren’t I?!

    • graysonjack says:

      EXACTLY!!Of course we all have our "issues" but at least we're functioning adults who are able to enjoy things other than sitting in front of a screen day in and day out.Like you, my friends and I would do the exact same things…playing in the dirty creek water and hiding from the older kids who we SWORE worshipped satan and would have sacrifices on the weekends in the woods.Ah…the good old days.Anyway, thanks for the comment!

  4. alanschuyler says:

    I so agree with your wisdom. Why when I was a boy… my mom’s famous phrase was “here’s a quarter, go play on the toll road!” As explanation, this was the sixties and tolls were much lower. I will tell you that dodging those cars kept me trim.

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