Left Lane Lolly-Gaggers

Obviously my post on ‘rules to follow when driving near me’ didn’t go viral and reach enough readers because I’m now having to reiterate in a post entirely of its own, requesting that you ass-clowns out there on the road stop being Sunday-drivers on the freaking freeway!  I’m telling you this not only for my sanity but also for your safety.

I realize you think you are the only driver on the road and that your tax money pays for the roads in which you travel, so naturally you can drive wherever you want, as slow as you damn well want; but I’ve got breaking news for you there you wheelchair road warrior…you’re not the only person on the road.  As a matter of fact, you are the smallest, piss-ant fraction of drivers on the road and most of us use that left lane to go faster than those in the middle or right lane.  Let me break it down for you so your simple yet egomaniacal brain can process the information: Left lane, fast.  Middle lane(s), drive.  Right lane, enter and exit freeway.  Is that simple enough for you or must I bust out the crayons and draw you a fucking colored picture?

So help me, god of any religion, if I get stuck behind one more idiot doing 60 in the left lane NEXT to someone doing 60 in the right lane of a two lane freeway, I’m bull-dozing through the middle and sending you both careening off the road into fiery, explosive car wrecks…and while I imagine such sweet destruction in my head I’ll simply flash my brights at you from a safe distance and motion at you like a semi-retarded baboon on meth for you to move the hell out of my way.  Which of course you’ll never notice because you’re too busy chatting away on your cell phone; probably to the guy driving next to you (devious plan dear stranger).  This in turn sends my mental stability further into that downward spiral of insanity.

But I digress (such an overused phrase by the way), I beg of you to please consider the people who don’t wish to drive the speed of a paraplegic crab-walk race.  I know, you think we’re the speedy assholes who cause car wrecks but I disagree; do you see that huge line of people behind you?  Yeah, we’d like to go around you…but instead we’re stuck behind you, pissed off and just waiting for an opening to dangerously maneuver our way around you like Dale Earnhardt at the Indy 500.  That my friend is what causes wrecks (just ask Dale Earnhardt); your stubborn selfishness and our impatience to pass you with extreme prejudice. 

If you don’t wish to heed my advice then I implore you to read your state’s drivers education hand-book.  I bet your car’s pink-slip it says somewhere in there that the left lane is for passing.  As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure the exact wording is: “The left lane is the passing lane, not the get passed lane; so please move your 1983 Toyota Corolla (yes you with the exhaust pipe wired to the chassis) over to either a middle or far right lane.”  Or it’s something very similar to that.

Of course this could all simply be something only I get angry about.  Either way, if you see a black ’03 Chevy Silverado coming up from behind you in the left lane; move over because I won’t, and I’ll continue doing 98mph in a 65 and I’d really hate to have to replace my front bumper and grill…again.

13 Responses to “Left Lane Lolly-Gaggers”
  1. Dawne Webber says:

    Thanks for ranting about my pet peeve. You said it all (very well, too) and I feel as though I got it off my chest without having to break a sweat, pop any blood vessels or check spelling.

  2. Ahhhh give me a second there Jackaroooo because some ass wipe is flashing his high beams at me while I am doing 54 in a 55mph speed limited highway. What a A-HOLE dosent his car (or is that a black Silverado) have a steering wheel? Go around me or fly over me… Ok now back to your post. (A) you owe me some royalty money because break it down is my shit! (B) Why it gotta be a colored picture? Always playing the race card. I KID, I KID. But I digress!

  3. alanschuyler says:

    You are always here to say what needs to be said. Now if we could only get the morons to read and understand it. I have to add my own pet peeve. Accelerating up the entrance ramp to find a car STOPPED at the end of the ramp waiting for what I can only guess is an “opening”.

  4. PD Williams says:

    OMG! Grandma doing EXACTLY 60 mph in the fast lane REFUSING to move over even though she’s passed on the right by car after car after car! God I miss my never-washed ’67 Chevy with the cracked windshield, crumpled fender and the dangling headlight. People saw it coming and got out of my damn way because it was clear — they assumed — that I simply didn’t care and that I’d mow them down in a heartbeat. Of course, they were incorrect. I really did care and I’d have felt guilty as I watched their smoldering remains in my rear view mirror. Fortunately they were too intimidated to test me. Once again you’ve managed to make me laugh while striking a nerve …

    • graysonjack says:

      Too funny!Yes, I think having a car such as the beautiful specimen you mentioned or a truck tend to give people the impression that one will simply not hesitate to continue on their chosen path even if their vehicle stands in the way.I always get a chuckle from your comments!Thank you!

  5. brainrants says:

    You do know that the M1Abrams and variants, with proper ‘adjustment’ will do about 50mph… just sayin. Not that I’ve ever done that… uhm…

  6. I could not agree more!! Everyday I get stuck behind some slowpoke in the “passing” lane and end up riding their bumper and screaming every profanity I can think of, hoping they’ll get the not-so-subtle hint.

    Rows of cars in 2 or 3 lanes going exactly the same speed entirely defeats the purpose of multiple lanes!! Ugh! 😦

    Good post!

    • graysonjack says:

      Well I'm glad you do exactly what I do…I thought maybe I might be the only person who got that pissed off and was just crazy!Thank you for affirming my reason for anger.We see eye to eye sister!

  7. Oh you should try driving in India sometime. It will make you appreciate how good you have it in the US.

    The roads are an excuse for roads- they are ridden with potholes and it is impossible to go around them since you pretty much have 2 choices- big pothole or even bigger-almost-a-ditch pothole.

    The drivers- if he wants to turn right, he will invariably be in the left lane, and if he wants to go left, he will inevitably be in the right lane. And the middle is for everyone on a first come first serve basis. Instead of overtaking on the right, they overtake on the left.

    While most places do have a speed limit, no one bothers to follow them. In the unlikely event that you do have a free road in front of you, you could easily be doing 60-70 mph on pretty much any road.

    Incidentally, you also have to share the road with a cow or 2 (which might be taking a crap on the road), perhaps a cart, and several motorcycles, cycles, autorickshaws, buses, and trucks. And there will always be a couple of pedestrians who decide that they own the road (or maybe their grandfather does?) and walk in the middle of the road. Motorcycles/scooters will typically carry a family- the kids will be hanging on for dear lives while the father decides to go through the narrow gap between 2 buses/trucks.

    One of my most memorable experiences- In Bangalore, there was me in an autorickshaw, a Mercedes on one side of me and a horse-driven cart on the other side. The best part- the horse was peeing on the road!!

    Really, count your blessings. You can’t have it as bad as we have it.

    • graysonjack says:

      Haha, you're absolutely correct.I definetely should be thankful.I've been all over the world and most places are much worse than in America.Even Europe is pretty bad.I'd have to say the worst I've been involved with is Egypt…that place scared the ever-loving-bejeesus out of me!My dad did tell me however, that India and China were his two worst places to drive.So thank you…I take for granted how well I have it here.

  8. lifewith4cats says:

    Hearty congrats to the Chevy for doing what I have always wished to do. The things ya can push with a good brush guard. 😉

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