Can I Get A Witness…Jehovah Style?

[Note- This is a picture of an actual letter I recently received from our ‘Neighborhood Jehova’s Witness(es).  The following post is my long (written) response to them which I mailed this afternoon.  It’s obviously not a rant, but if my sarcasm towards another religion offends you…well I don’t really care if it offends you, just move on.]

[Note- Thanks to Chris Devoss for pointing out that Mormons and not Jehovah’s Witnesses are the ones who ride bikes – which he pointed out nearly a YEAR ago.  Thanks…my bad.]


I’d like to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to hand-write me a letter to spread the word of God.  I know so much of your day consists of tying those exquisitely pressed black ties and riding mile upon mile on those wicked-spiffy Huffy bikes in order to get the word of our Lord out into the neighborhood.  Now, I’m sure (because of the handwriting) that you are a middle-aged, and devoted woman to the church, and that in actuality you are not one of the individuals doing the leg-work, but I applaud your dedication none-the-less. 

I just wanted to take a moment to return the favor by sending you a hand-written letter as well and touch on some of the finer points of your correspondence.

1.) While I’m all for freedom of speech and religion (as shown on my personal website that I welcome you to visit anytime at, I find your boldness of sending me a personalized letter with the correct name and address a tad unsettling.  My blog (web-log; I don’t know if you’re up to date on technology as evidenced by writing me a letter) allows you the opportunity to NOT VISIT IT, you’re letter deceived me into believing that it was a letter written by my aging and ailing mother who has very similar handwriting (no, I did not read the return-address so as to tip me off), which forced me to read its contents for fear of bad medical news.  I do, however, commend you on your tactics of deception, being that this style of letter in this day-and-age is usually relegated to geriatric family members.  Again though, I’d like to know how you were able to get my name and address without rifling through my mail…

2.) Here I would like to answer a few of the questions you posed due to the importance you placed upon them:

                a.) Why do we grow old and die?- Speaking from a strictly logical position, I would say we grow old and die so as to NOT over-populate a relatively small planet.  Could you imagine the population of earth if no one died?! – especially seeing as how humans (like parasites) tend to spread exponentially.  Resources would have been consumed long ago, and food would have to have been supplanted by something else due to lack of agricultural space. Call death “God’s Population Control”.  Besides, what use would the Crusades have been if dirty Muslims couldn’t die either?  Killing in the name of God is big business and would be moot if we were all immortal; we must have martyrs after-all, correct?

                b.) How can we find happiness?- This is an easier question.  I find my happiness in the smiles of my kids and the hearty laughter in a joke well-told; also, I find it in watching adults ride bikes in the Texas summer to spread the word of God instead of driving.  Seems ironic God would make the weather so unbearable for the individuals spreading his word…unless He gives Jehovah’s Witnesses super powers.  In that case, sign me up.

                c.) What is our real purpose in life?- This is a bit more complicated, but I’ll give it a shot.  I’ll start with what I DON’T believe is our purpose and that is warring over religion.  Our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan might be ill-advised and even flat out wrong, I don’t know; but what I do know is that it’s less wrong than killing in the name of a supposed merciful and loving God.  Warring over religion and which one is the right one, is in my opinion…asinine.  If you’re religion ‘A’ and you believe religion ‘B’ will burn in hell (or cease to exist as your scripture states) because they’re wrong, then you need to just take comfort in the fact that you’ll enjoy central A.C. for eternity while religion ‘B’ is rethinking their stance of suicide bombs or the aesthetics of the Swastika (which I know Jehovah’s Witnesses were severely persecuted by the Nazis) as they burn ever so crisply in hell (or do nothing at all, once again, as your scripture states).

I believe our purpose is to propagate our species and love our sons and daughters and Microsoft (not those Apple hippies). 

You said you were interested in “our neighbor” so…neighbor hath spoketh (speaketh? Spake?)…whatever. 

Really, I have no problem with your severely unsolicited mail, but I ask that you return the courtesy and read what I wrote with the same interest as I’ve shown yours.

3.) And finally I have to say this; you denounce this country and you denounce this government, but for some reason it’s not taken into consideration that it’s this country and our government that has allowed your (cult-like) religion to flourish.  Without the founding of this country or the men and women who defend her, you wouldn’t have the ability to send this foul and irritating propaganda to my HOME.  Thanks to America and her soldiers, the man who killed thousands upon thousands of your followers in Germany might still be alive today and would have essentially wiped your followers out.  It wasn’t God that protected you directly; it was God through America that protected you.  Show a little gratitude or get out.  Plain and simple.

It might surprise you to know I’m Christian and my faith is unwavering.  My church is as the bible states: a place where two or more gather to speak of the Lord.  I don’t need to belong to a denomination to show God my feelings; He already knows them.  I’m secure in my place on this earth but it seems you and the other Jehovah’s Witnesses are not.  Failed prophecy after failed prophecy would shake my conviction a little as well.

I ask that you call upon me any time to discuss your…I repeat, YOUR (individually) feelings on God anytime.  I ask in return only that you leave your denomination behind. 

As for the rest of your letter, I understand ink and paper has no spell check, but seriously, work on the grammar.  If writing these letters are something you do often (which I’m assuming it is), take from the Bible its ability to string words together to form coherent phrases.  Second; I’m also assuming that because you write these letters often, there is no reason one should have less-than-perfect penmanship.  Writing letters day in and day out is no excuse for poor handwriting skills; I’m an “author” (I use the term very loosely) and everything, everything I write goes on paper with pen FIRST.  Time consuming yes, but I’m old school; one could say I’m Amish school (do you and the Amish have beef [quarrels]?) Anyway, as you can see from this multi-page letter, I’ve kept exquisite, almost calligraphic penmanship.

Finally, the little booklet you sent me with your letter is a little pushy, wouldn’t you agree?  You’ve already broached ‘stalker’ status with that creepy knowledge of name and address but now you’re pushing scripture on me like a heroin dealer?  Wow, I can quote scripture as well but anyone can pull verses from the good Book to make a point…especially when it’s a biased translation from the true word.  I’m pretty sure Hitler pulled scripture to make his argument for Jehovah’s Witness extermination but that doesn’t make him a good Christian does it?  Words out of context can make anyone sound “right”, so I’ll have to just wait for you to agree to have a debate with me a-la presidential style.  Besides, I have a huge Jesus tattooed on my right arm and an even larger Greek Orthodox Cross on my rib cage; I’m almost positive that means I love God more than your cute-letter-writing self.  Boo-Ya!  That. Just. Happened!

Call me, you sound hot!


10 Responses to “Can I Get A Witness…Jehovah Style?”
  1. Why does it bother me? says:

    Have. Not. Stopped. Laughing.

    My friend dated a JW. A more messed up, emotionless man robot I have never met. No birthdays, no affection, women purely as vessel for new life. Messed up. They should be flattered that you wrote them such an eloquent letter. I for one would have seen them off with a flick to the ear!

  2. That’s it Jackson you done did it now. Not even a full recon battalion can save you from the raft of god! Holy flying buffalo’s give me a minute i have to change my depends before the piss burns me.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Great post as always, small, petty correction : it’s the Latter Day Saints that ride the bikes, not the Witnesses. I know sometimes it’s hard to tell one cult from another, either way the theme song from Three’s Company does not apply.

  4. PD Williams says:

    Wow (yes, I’m sitting here with my mouth agape; fortunately even in California there are no flies at this time of year)! I really loved this response and truly wish I had the control to do so in such an eloquent manner. Welcome back — it was worth the wait.

  5. alanschuyler says:

    I’m so glad you decided to blog your response because anything that logical and well written is going to be completely wasted on you JW. Brilliant work, and yes, I’m jealous once again.

  6. medtxpack says:

    i bet she gives great head. haha
    ncie work on the letter. way to pull her in jsut like she did you

  7. BrainRants says:

    I totally love this, but sadly I suspect whatever-her-tits will completely disregard the logic of your reply. Religious nuts are scarier than ebola, Justin Bieber, and … cloned Hitlers. Ugh.

    Great post.

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