Fashionably Retarded

[Note: I beg everyone not to read this.  It isn’t funny at all]

There are some cruel parents in this world and they need to be dealt with quick-fast and in a hurry.  I’m not talking about the parents who beat Johnny until he looks like he got in an MMA fight with Brock Lesnar; or little Suzy who got shoved in a 2×2 closet with a dog bowl full of her own urine for a month.  Though they too suck at parenting and life in general, I’m speaking on behalf of the Mongo’s and Corky’s of the world; the mentally disabled whose parents seemed to give up on dressing these poor individuals in respectable clothing.  I’m almost positive that 30% of these short-bus, fashion failures aren’t actually all that slow; they just play the part mommy dressed them up for.

It’s disgusting!  For the love of baby-in-a-manger Jesus, just because he or she is retarded doesn’t mean they have to dress like it as well!  From my extensive, border-line stalking observations, I’ve noticed a certain “uniform” for the mentally impaired.  Starting from the bottom (shoes you perverts) to the top, I will describe as best I can in stereo-typical fashion…their fashion.

It starts with 1987 era, matte-black, Velcro sneakers designed for the geriatric on the go.  They are surprisingly expensive as you can see here.  Social Security should not be able to buy kicks like that.

Next we work up to the socks; do I even need to explain what they look like?  Just think 70’s athletic socks.  They’re white, knee high socks with the different color bands at the top, usually variations of reds, yellows and blues.

Then we have the pants; oh dear God, the pants.  I don’t even know where you buy pants like this except the dumpster behind Good Will; and it’s pretty bad when Good Will doesn’t want your shit and throws it out back. They’re like impossibly think khakis, as if their parents are worried they’re going to spontaneously light themselves on fire and require extra flame-retardant material because Lord knows Mongo will just stand there beating his arm on his chest and mumbling incoherently as he cooks to a nice, even 185 degrees F.

The other requirement apparently, is that these pants be able to avoid floods at all costs.

Working our way up, we head to the shirt.  This is a complete give-up on the parent’s part.  They hand poor Ludo a sweat-shirt with no buttons or other difficult fasteners and tell him to get his own ass ready.  Forget the fact that it’s July in the middle of a heat wave, I suppose he needs the extra padding in case he falls?  I don’t know but I’ve seen many a retard with massive strength; they’re like the Incredible Hulk without the gay jorts.  And if the parents do decide to go with a t-shirt, it’s always one of those cutesy children’s/grandma looking ones with a picture of Mickey Mouse or puppies and kittens on the front.  This poor bastard doesn’t stand a chance in the outside world.  Everyone within a one mile radius immediately puts on the ‘understanding and sympathetic’ eyes when they see Timmy coming, because no one dresses like that except the mentally handicapped.

I get that it’s best for them to have a certain amount of independence, and that includes dressing themselves with clothes they are able to put on without help.  But I think a nice pair of jeans and a slick polo shirt might do the fella some good and even boost his/her self-confidence.  Give that special man a special feeling.

So parents of these handi-capable, fashion castaways, quit being dicks; I truly believe the way you dress them is much harsher than the words I’ve used in this article.  Give them a fighting chance at being normal and accepted, because the attire they’re currently in makes them more of an outcast than the mental disabilities you stuck them with…thanks to you and your inbreeding.  Yes, I blame it all on you parents.  I kid, I kid…but seriously, you suck.

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Comments
17 Responses to “Fashionably Retarded”
  1. I too have a “special” little guy and from day 1 I was determined to not allow him to look any different than his peers by the way he is groomed and dressed! I agree that we should do our part to give them great choices in their wardrobe that are stylish, as well as choices of clothing that match and are appropriate for home or away. This would be the same for any child. Why oh why would we knowingly open them up for more ridicule by allowing them to stand out? This makes me angry! My little 8yo’s goal every where we go is to make sure everyone is okay and loved. He often asks people “Are you okay?” People are receptive to him (and I am sure some of the reason being is that we dress him to look hip and instyle with his clothing and hair etc.). Josiah’s love and genuine concern for others touches people”s hearts in places the rest of us can’t get to….. I believe it is important for us parents to do our job helping them to fit in by looking acceptable so that in turn our “special” children can be the gifts to our communities the way they were created to!!!!

  2. Bobbi Jean says:

    I just want to say that sometimes, (not always) the kids with special needs want to dress themselves, and the shoes typically are to treat some foot disorder or impairment. They are expensive shoes, but I refuse to think that someone would buy them just to make their kid stand out- I’m sure some of them do already. I know you’re trying to be funny- but usually these kids have an independent streak in them, and they like to dress themselves, and their parents usually let them. I have no problem with dressing kids, or any ability, in nice clothes, but if the kid wants to dress themselves, and we’re not going anywhere important enough, I’m probably going to let them do it.

    • graysonjack says:

      I’ve been waiting for your response…yes, you specifically. Let me start by saying, yes, I realize that they have an independent streak. I recognize it so much that I made mention of it in my post. I’m all for that; there’s nothing that pleases me more than seeing someone who got slighted in the game of life, be able to do tasks independently, no matter how trivial or mundane. Every success is a step in the right direction. The issues that I had were not with the children themselves…period. The issues, as I stated, were with the parents who decided to give-up trying to assimilate them into every day society and instead force them to stand out as “different”. It’s the parents responsibility to buy their child’s clothing. From that clothing they buy, these kids may then choose what they wish to wear. That’s the way it is for EVERY child, not just special children. What is happening, is the parents are giving up because, “why should we buy nice clothes for him, he doesn’t care”. That’s disrespectful to the child and very sad. If I had the money, I would start a charity for special needs children, so that they can feel as normal as they possibly can. It’s cruel and just adds to their “sticking out” in society when parents like that (you?) dress them like they’re forgotten.

  3. Duhhhh you forgot the helmet! What are you retarded?

  4. BrainRants says:

    Shit and I was getting worried that you got the PC infection there for a minute. I will admit thought that I agree. I suck too.

  5. PD Williams says:

    Once again you are very correct — in your own special anti-PC manner, of course. Kids with disabilities will be teased — far more mercilessly than others. Why give their peers even more ammunition? If you want them to exercise their independence by dressing themselves, give them decent material from which to choose. On the other hand, however, have you ever looked at the way the parents dress themselves? Perhaps they’re simply being very foresighted in anticipating the second coming of that flood …

    • graysonjack says:

      As always…you get me. You see beyond the non-PC, juvenile writing and understand the message and I thank you for that. I also love the way you say it so eloquently. You’re the Yin to my Yang. Thanks for reading and I love the compliment! Hell, I think I love YOU!

  6. golden98 says:

    I so agree with you. I have two children with Autism and I dress them in the latest fashions. They always are clean, hair combed etc. I have seen too many individuals with disabilities that are dressed awful, sweat pants, mismatched tee shirts, stains on their clothes and uncombed and in some instances unwashed hair. This is uncalled for. In both my kids schools I am always told how nice my kids always look and what great clothes they have. You don’t need to spend a fortune to dress your disabled child well and appropriately.

    • graysonjack says:

      I am so happy to hear you say that. What I think some people will miss (perhaps rightfully so) is that I’m not making fun of these children, it’s the parents I’m making fun of. I agree with you, your children are your pride and joy no matter what disabilities they might have. Show them off!! If you take pride in them, they’ll take pride in themselves. Like you said, it doesn’t require a fortune to dress them nicely. All you have to do is care. I hate seeing these poor kids look the way they do. It just further outcasts them from “normal” society. It isn’t fair to them. Anyway, thank you for the comment and it pleases me to see that you actually take care of not just your childrens needs, but their appearance as well. Awesome!

      • hereswhat says:

        You failed to mention that if these guys don a button shirt it is always at ‘least’ one button off, sometimes more. Then….wouldn’t you know, everybody started doin’ the one-button-off trick and it was suddenly hip, even among young celebs…Now we parents don’t have to fix our guys shirts anymore. In fact….I’ve reached that age that I’ve accidentally gone out a time or two ‘one-button-off’…..

        I’m the mom of a great guy and I’ve had to restock his closet and donate all those black velcro shoes that staff picked up for him at the local discount store…partly a style decision, but he was also perfectly capable of tying his shoes and I wanted him to retain that skill. Seems I recall afew striped socks as well. No clue about those thick pants you speak of though, but then we live in florida. A good shave and a hair cut is a must too….

Yell back

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