For Only Three Easy Payments of Soul, Dignity and Intelligence!

Late the other night, I came upon a commercial while sitting spread-eagle in my underwear, eating popcorn and Slim Jims in my “comfy chair”.  I know…disgusting, right?  Who watches commercials when they have cable TV?  Well, for the purpose of this story, I do.

The truth of the matter is, I thought I was either dreaming or had woken up to an alternate reality where everyone was as dumb and uncoordinated as a four year old alcoholic on a weekend bender.  The events I saw before me on the silver screen brought clarity to my eyes and a new-found understanding and sympathy for the American populace…an infomercial.  If I were to have only seen infomercials for the last ten years, I could rightfully assume two things:

1.)    People have no idea how to cut fruit or vegetables of any kind with any real semblance of adult hand/eye coordination.

2.)    People are beyond lazy and venture into the realm of ‘vegetative state’ due to their inability to do simple tasks without over-dramatically showing how exhaustive chopping bananas can be, or any of a million other non-food related tasks.

If I were an alien, earth would be the icing on the cake of interstellar domination when reporting back to the Galactic General for an update after light years of planet conquering.

Says alien to general: “Yeah; no it won’t be an issue.  Apparently they’re still working out the mechanics of stain removal and knife wielding.  We’ll have this wrapped up before dinner.”

Toga! Toga! Toga!

I find these commercials wholly insulting to my intelligence.  Are you insinuating that I am unable to wrap a towel around myself and am at my wit’s end due to this failure of basic hand movements?  Has this actually become such a nation-wide issue that you, the inventor (of Edison-stature), needed to create a towel with arm-holes?  Who the holy-fuck is wearing towels for such elongated periods of time that they need, what is in essence, a dress made from a towel?  You get out of the shower, you grab a towel, you dry off and you get fucking dressed!  This has to be geared towards women who do shit ass-backwards by getting completely ready first (make-up, hair, de-clawing) then get dressed.  That just seems counter-intuitive to me; but what do I know?  If you watch TV at all, you’ll know I’m just the idiot husband who can’t complete simple tasks without my wife’s help (or Slap Chop’s help).

Yes...I AM gyrating while staring at you inappropriately during a meeting.

Then we have the items that make my head want to explode; Hawaiian Chair anyone?  On paper, I suppose I can see how this might be appealing; you’re at work all day, sedentary and loudly getting fatter.  Why not have a product that allows you to work while simultaneously allowing you to burn calories?  And what we get is a chair that makes the user gyrate like an eight year old with ADD, monkey-fucking a football.  Try typing “Monkey Fucking” while using this chair.

1.)    You look fucking stupid, and

2.)    It looks difficult while you look fucking stupid.

What is even better is the 30 minute commercial showing play-by-play the ass-mastery that ensues while using said chair. 

Now lets feel that grip...

Certain products need to remain simply thoughts in an underdeveloped brain.  There are reasons products are not sold in stores; it’s because 9 times out of 10, they suck.  They don’t just suck, they’re massive vacuums of epic failure; but because we’re largely a society of lazy idiots, we buy this shit in bulk.  Hang on! There’s more!  There’s always more!  We don’t just get one set of guaranteed-to-make-you-look-like-an-idiot masturbation weights, you get 40! All for just 3.99!  I’ll give you a hint, if you get multiples of these items for less money than it takes to buy a rope with which to hang yourself…it’s probably a shitty and poorly manufactured product.  Period.  To this day, I truly believe Shake Weight was one big hoax the inventor concocted to show just how stupid the public is.  He was probably thinking: “There’s no freaking way people will fall for this; I mean come on!  They’re simulating jerking a dude off!”

Lo-and-behold, it sold millions.  I weep for you America…I weep.

"This is actually MY bucket o' coke. Get your own!"

So here’s to you Billy Mays, the Patron Saint of Sales, the Commander of Commercials, the Prophet of Product, the Big Daddy of Blow.  You were a pioneer of profiteering and we miss you.  If only you had gotten clean…Oxy Clean.

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Comments
14 Responses to “For Only Three Easy Payments of Soul, Dignity and Intelligence!”
  1. Reblogged this on Christopher De Voss and commented:
    This blog is one of the first I ever started reading. And then one day…it just disappeared. Well, Grayson Jack, seems to be back….well at least for two posts. For reblog Thursday, I picked one from Grayson’s archives. Be prepared to laugh and get angry at the same time, it’s Angry Rants.

  2. “To this day, I truly believe Shake Weight was one big hoax the inventor concocted to show just how stupid the public is. He was probably thinking: “There’s no freaking way people will fall for this; I mean come on! They’re simulating jerking a dude off!”
    Lo-and-behold, it sold millions. I weep for you America…I weep.”

    OH MY GOD!!!! I have said these exact (almost) words before! I, too, weep for America and our Idiocracy-like future.

    Great post!
    ~Nikki

  3. Why does it bother me? says:

    Awesome post. I have been watching a lot of Hoarders lately, and I tell you that HSN and these info-mercials and the like, get a LOT of stick on that show.
    I have to say though that I really like the exercise equipment. And the people who do the slots, who ALL have gym toned, surgically enhanced, eating disorder thin bodies. It really does make me scratch my head in wonder. But yet I still hanker for a slip and slid thigh toner… hohum.

  4. Guilty! I’m a NINJA MASTER!

  5. alanschuyler says:

    Another brilliant post.

    My favorite idiot product is the ELECTRIC CAT LITTER SCOOP. It is a regular litter scoop, but with a little motor in it so it will vibrate. Yes America, if you are too stupid and lazy to shake a litter scoop, it will do it for you!

    Infomercials infuriate me only because I haven’t come up with some ridiculous idea that idiots will buy. It’s info-envy!

  6. BrainRants says:

    Damn I wish I’d thought of this one. Great approach!

    • graysonjack says:

      Just think of it as a ‘WordPress Topic’, do a version of your own. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one to have ever written about stupid infomercials (I prefer to stay ignorant until after I’ve written about it). Besides, I’m sure you’d do a much better version, what with your fancy words and all. But thanks for the comment.

  7. PD Williams says:

    OMG — you are a sick, sick, SICK man! I, too, have made the same observations about the ineptitude of the people in those infomercials. And I, too, a woman with what I like to think is an above average intellect, bought that damn hand-job weight thing. I still use it while I’m sucking money out of the men who underestimate me at the online poker tables (in fact, I’ve justified the combination of those two by considering it training for my next — the oldest –profession). I was laughing so loudly at your post that my staff ran into my office to see what the commotion was all about. So, not only have I — with your assistance — set a very bad example for them, from the laughter outside it sounds like I’m paying them to emulate me. Gee, thanks again …

    • graysonjack says:

      Haha, I love when I hear things like that. I feel validated in my endeavor as a “writer”. Thank you so much for the kind words and for also spreading my blog to others. As for setting a bad example…you could always do what my company does and ban most websites (which isn’t good in the case of my boss because that means he can’t go to his websites either). And if you ever do become a worker of that “oldest profession”, let me know because I owe you for stroking my ego! Again, thank you!

  8. Evil Bekka says:

    YES! Although I am pretty pleased with my “never lose your tupperware lids again” tupperware set that’s all containers and no lids… Have you seen the one with the antiaging device that stimulates facial muscles or something? I love that one — the beautiful, already young model sits there trying her damndest to maintain her placid, composed smile while the demonstrator applies this futuristic vibrator/torture device to her face and her muscles all twitch and spasm. Mm-hm, that looks FUN!

  9. I have to admit, I”m the owner of an infomercial product. It just sits in a cupboard collecting dust.

    • graysonjack says:

      And that’s what makes me so angry…we fall for this crap. I have a magic bullet that just sits in my cupboard! (By the way, doesn’t the magic bullet sound more like a sex-toy than a food processor…now I’m definitely not using it anymore).

Yell back

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