Yahoo! Yahoos

I just had the pleasure of “discovering” Yahoo! Answers and…my mind has been so thoroughly blown.  It’s like a giant middle/high school “study hall” (or whatever they call it these days) of tweens and teens flapping their gums on inane subjects.  The only difference being that these teenagers are coming across as more mind-bogglingly stupid than I could ever have imagined (mostly due to text type).  If these are the future leaders of earth, I think I’m done.  Seriously, I’m getting a shovel and digging a hole to stick my arrogant head into and folding my metaphorical poker-hand because shit is u.g.l.y. out there.  I also want to state that yes, this isn’t really a fair post; it’s like shooting quadraplegic puppies in a barrel (that’s just an awful analogy, I apologize for that).  I understand teenagers are mostly stupid because, well…they have no experience with anything; it’s not completely their fault. But I feel like an example needs to be made anyway, and maybe these kids will think twice before they post questions that make my 2 year old look smart by comparison. 

The following are a sample of the questions I saw, trailed by the replies I gave to these nuggets of fucked-up inquisitiveness.

1.)    Is it possible for a spell (yes, you read that correctly, spell) to make you pregnant?

Before I get to the reply, I understand she’s probably 13 or somewhere close (I hope), but shit!- really?  I can’t fathom the level of ignorance her parents must have in order to breed a girl who obviously believes Harry Potter is non-fiction.  But because of her age (possible age), I kept my response to sarcastic, and not flat out mean.

Reply:  Oh no…please tell me you did the correct spell!! There is another invocation that is similar to the pregnancy one, except instead of a baby, this one fills your stomach full of stupidity. If you do not do the reverse spell within one lunar cycle (the next full moon), I’m sorry to say, but you will become a giant ball of ‘stupid’. Once the spell has completely finished its process (after the next full moon), you will become stuck on stupid for eternity…there is no cure for stupidity other than education…years and years of focused education. Please…re-read the spell you used and ensure that it says: To get pregnant. And not: To get stupid. Good luck and may Mother Nature see you through safely.

I almost feel bad; but someone, somewhere in her life needs to set her on the path of illumination.  She obviously has access to the internet (without parental supervision), why not Google fucking ‘magic’ or something?  Kids these days…they’re lazy!  No research at all!

2.)    Guys: What are you thinking when you see a girl crying?

Reply:  It literally makes me think: “What’s the nearest exit? How can I get out without her noticing me and wanting to talk? If I HAVE to talk to her, what’s the quickest way to end the conversation? Will patting her on the back and telling her Justin Beiber does truly love her but has already committed to that other girl, make her feel better so I can leave? Can I get away with just handing her a tissue and walking off? Exit strategy, exit strategy, exit strategy.”

This one kind of made me chuckle.  It’s such a random, yet poignant question.  It makes me think that wherever she is, there are just massive amounts of girls crying on the street; and the guys are just standing there next to them, slack-jawed and staring.  I’d ask the same question as her, but only after I found out why all these girls were just breaking-the-fuck down and crying.  Could be symptoms of some new-fangled gender-biased apocalyptic virus.

And now for the pièce de résistance:

3.)    My wife tried to use a credit card online by inserting it into the floppy drive of our PC.  How do I get it out?

[Yes, I know this isn’t a teenager, but I couldn’t pass it up.] 

My first reaction is that it’s fake (I pray).  Actually, that’s my first, middle and last reaction, so I didn’t even bother writing a reply.  But…that doesn’t mean someone else didn’t reply in awesome angry-rant/sarcastic fashion.

Reply:  Are you wanting your wife or the credit card out?  Either way, it’s gonna cost you a pretty penny.  Might I recommend dismantling, then disposing of properly?

 If I didn’t know any better I would think all these people went to school every day with earmuffs and blinders on, only removing them between classes and during lunch.  I don’t remember stupidity on that level as a teenager.  Maybe I hung out with the smart kids; maybe we kept our questions to ourselves for fear of humiliation and a bully beat-down, only to learn life’s lessons as we went along.  Or perhaps the internet really has dumbed our kids down to the point of Yahoo! Answers.  Regardless, I don’t want these assholes making laws when I’m retired or I’ll have to worry about shit like not being able to walk with a cane because “wands” are illegal in the “muggle” public (yes, I know Harry Potter terminology.  Fuck off!).

7 Responses to “Yahoo! Yahoos”
  1. rachel says:

    It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who finds Yahoo! Answers way more amusing than I should. My favorite are the medical/healthcare sections because people ask the most ridiculous questions…things like “OMG, my friend saw a bat outside her house and thinks it might have bitten her. Could I have gotten rabies by talking to her on the phone??” I can only hope these people are joking or under the age of 3. The other thing I see a lot of is people wondering if they could have contracted tetanus from touching (yes, just touching) rusty metal. If you’ve never scanned through the medically-related sections, I highly recommend it.

    I don’t know how much time I’ve wasted on Yahoo! Answers but it’s so darn entertaining that I’m not even sure I care.

  2. Great, now Mum is sure I’m certifiable . . . How do I explain I really am looking for work and not screwing around when I’m rolling on the floor laughing?

    Note to self: Only read “angry rant” when I’m done with job search for the day.

    I think I hurt myself.

  3. PD Williams says:

    OMG!! So it IS a spell after all!? And all this time I thought it was the diaper icon on my iPhone’s All Knocked Up app! Whew! Dodged a big one there …

  4. BrainRants says:

    I may have to try this myself. I suspect this could occupy hours. BTW your answer to the credit card cretin was the best one.

Yell back

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