Same Old Shit, Just a Different Day…

When did the transition from childhood into adulthood go from being an adventure like Lord of the Rings, to being like Groundhog Day?  I have the same routine every. fucking. day.  I want to join a gang or become a dirty politician just to break up the monotony.  Perhaps I’ll rob a bank; leave the money at the front door, and carry about my business to get a cheap thrill.  The only downside to that idea is of course, getting caught.  If I thought my life now was routine, I can’t imagine 20 years in the penitentiary.  I’d shift from breaking up the monotony with bank robbery, to shanking bitches and committing prison rape.  You have to find the silver lining in every situation I always say…

Since I stopped that whole getting-fucked up-on –cheap-whiskey-every-night deal, I find I’m lacking in social interaction and excitement; mainly in the form of drunk driving, bar fights, drunk girls and public urination.  Now I’m the domesticated dad making dinner, cleaning house and doing laundry.  I love my family but shit…I’m 3 dirty dishes away from eating Chinese paint chips and downing a bottle of bleach.

I understand what Fight Club was about now.  It wasn’t a social commentary on American Consumerism; it was extremely bored and apathetic men who were sick of the routine and the grind and just wanted to get a rise by fucking shit up cave-man style. 

I tell you, I’m fed-the-fuck up sitting in traffic every God damned morning on the same fucked-up-under-construction freeways, day in and day out.  I’m sick of cheese Danishes for breakfast and ham & cheese sandwiches for lunch.  I’m sick of sitting in front of this stupid-ass computer screen for 9 hours a day, only to go home and stare at another screen, watching the same shit on TV that I always do; and I’m sick of eating worn out dinner-recipes then forcing myself to go to sleep (eventually), just to do it all over again the next day.  To quote Office Space: “…every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it.”

Calm down people; this isn’t a cry for help or a suicide note; this is just my way of saying that some truly amazing shit needs to start going down quick, fast and in a hurry so that I may be entertained.  I need zombie apocalypses, fucking biblical apocalypses, or even just a really really big thunder storm.  I need something to get the adrenaline flowing through my veins so that I don’t just waste away; a bitter old man with “missed opportunities”, wishing he’d done something great; like getting hammered in Scotland on local scotch.

Is this the “mid-life crisis” I heard so much about growing up?  Or is it more of a need for the excitement that I had in my earlier years leading up to my departure from the military?  Whatever the case may be, leading a life of crime is sounding more and more appealing each day.  I’m talking ‘crime family’, not petty theft and murder; think Sopranos.  By day, I lead an exciting life of business and crime; by night, I’m a family man making dinner for the kids, doing bath time and homework.  I’d be like Spider Man; only committing crimes instead of helping people…and not gay. 

Sometimes I’m so incredibly bored and apathetic after work, I wonder what it would be like to just walk up and randomly punch the first man I saw doing something retarded.  No words of warning, no fit of anger…simply walk to him, punch him square in his face and walk away.  Would he fight back?  Would he cry and scream: “Why?! Why?!” a-la Nancy Kerrigan?  Would he lay there in confusion?  I would hope he’d fight back and get in a punch or two, but considering the sissy nature of most men today; I’d have to go with: lying in a pool of his own bodily fluids…and calling the police from his i-phone (because there’s probably an app for that.)

I can’t be the only one who scours the news hoping for some terrible outbreak of mad-monkey ass-flue, in which everyone infected decides to shove bananas in their ass and flick strangers nut-sacks.  I’m pouring my feelings out people; don’t judge me, you racists!

I don’t wish death on anyone (unless you’re trying to kill me first…or you belong to the Kardashian clan); but I only feel truly alive when danger is present or I’m out of my comfort zone.  Which I suppose means that unless we have a sweeping epidemic of walking-dead Kardashians, I’m going to have to free climb (sans-rope) a mountain, wrestle an alligator or watch a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon, in order to get that adrenaline rush.  Personally, I’d rather take my chances with the mountain climbing or wearing Lady Ga-Ga’s infamous meat-dress in an alligator pit; but due to location constrictions, I suppose I can’t be picky with my near death experiences. 

Only way that could be more sexy, is if it were made of bacon

Time to go back to staring at my work computer screen for…oh, about 6 more hours.

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Comments
24 Responses to “Same Old Shit, Just a Different Day…”
  1. Damien says:

    Thank fuck I’m not the only one….. I sometimes dream about aliens attacking just so I can fight the good fight in my head. Owning a house, cars and having a beautiful girlfriend just bore the shit out of me now

  2. Anonymous says:

    volunteer

  3. Anonymous says:

    here are a few suggestions… God, martial arts, work toward promotion or look for better job

  4. PD Williams says:

    Hey Jack! Where are you??

  5. You know what spices up my life?? Moving alot! So there is your answer! Move to SD!!!!! You could work with me…and you know, every day is a (mis)adventure when you’re in hazzardland!!

  6. itchemeyer says:

    Fuckin hell. Thank you. I want to start a mafia or get hammered every second. I think with all these violent fantasy games and movies out there, there must be millions of people just like us. Let’s Occupy this planet and burn everything down. I was so excited for a y2k meltdown, but nothing came out of it. Maybe I should move to Egypt and start blowing shit up. I wrote something you might like a few months back:
    http://yeshivaforum.wordpress.com/2011/07/18/how-did-this-happen/
    Also, if you like south park, check out the 7th and 8th episodes this season. They’re amazing.

  7. Locust says:

    Ahhhh….. to know I’m not alone in the universe. Maybe we should start a revolutionary movement. I hear you get much more interesting house visits if you start emailing federal buildings your manifesto.

  8. unapologeticmoxie says:

    This is the funniest blog I’ve read all week. Maybe all month. The only way I think I actually get through the work week without assaulting someone is writing inappropriate shit on the internet and drinking.

    My favorite part of your post: I’d be like Spider Man; only committing crimes instead of helping people…and not gay. Ha ha ha.

    • graysonjack says:

      Thank you very much! Writing inappropriate shit and drinking is by far the best medicine I have found to date. It’s very cathartic I must admit. Thank you for the comment and thank you for reading. Hopefully I can keep up to the standards you have now set for me.

  9. Why does it bother me? says:

    Hahaha! OMG you need to get involved with a sports team and get this rage out. My fiancé plays football (or soccer as you guys call it), a couple of times a week, also alone time (no grossness intended) is absolutely vital for sanity. Drinking wont do it either. It just makes me feel like the living dead the next day… and a life of crime will mean looking over your shoulder all the time! 😉 Monotony sucks so much though…

    • graysonjack says:

      I used to do softball (big with the adults here in Texas), but I can’t do that anymore. It’s a HUGE drinking sport and well, I don’t really drink anymore; entirely too much temptation. Other than that, yeah, I need to find something to do. Monotony does suck…the life right out of me.

  10. alanschuyler says:

    Now I know what this horrible feeling I’ve been having is: “I love my family but shit…I’m 3 dirty dishes away from eating Chinese paint chips and downing a bottle of bleach.” Except mine is 3 litterboxes away….

  11. Hommie give me your address and i will send you $20.00 so you can get laid! Hold on a second I gotta get this banana out of my ass! Ok now back to you WTF. Read a book!

  12. Amanda says:

    I keep saying, “When I get old, I’m gonna drive really fast and steal stuff” and then just blame it on being old, but I’m thinking that this daily grind really needs something more than increased velocity and petty larceny. One time I thought I’d try, sans alcohol, stripping off all my clothes, run screaming through an elementary school parking lot at pick-up time, climb a tree and chuck rocks at any police who attempted to, oh, i don’t know…tase me, pepper spray me, or otherwise subdue me (what “otherwise” would be I kinda shudder to consider), however, here I sit, without a current arrest record (or a sex offender status…you can get that for streaking, y’know?) and idly contemplating blowing something up. You in?

    • graysonjack says:

      Haha…I’m definitely in! I’m not sure about the streaking (because of the sex offender status that adjoins it) but you’re more than welcome to do it and I’ll cheer you on from the tree! As for blowing something up…I’m always down for fire and explosions!

  13. As the old saying goes . . . be careful what you wish for. I have an inside contact with the mob if you’re still interested. Or how about a introduction to Kim and the girls? Now that would be living dangerously! Probably improve their rates too.

  14. BrainRants says:

    Miss being in The Corps much? Dude, I feel your pain, and I’m still in. Then again, I’m an officer, so I guess that explains it.

Yell back

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