Ramblings of an Addict
I’ve been gone a while…I know; and I can’t promise I’m even really coming back; but I figured I’d write something just to let the one or two people who check, know I’m not dead. I’m undergoing a massive reformation. By massive, I mean ‘fuck-me-right-in-the-face, this-shit-is-hard’ kind of reformation. Who decided being healthy is cool? Fuck that, I like my tobacco products and alcohol and fast food and not-running.
About three weeks ago, I decided to go on a diet; or rather, I was so utterly and completely broke from my recent breakup, that I couldn’t afford food. Yes, you may cry sweet tears of sorrow for me as they give me sustenance. Now, aside from the obvious hunger pains and all around grogginess, I discovered two things; 1) It cleansed the shit out of my system and 2) though unhealthy, I lost weight…5 pounds, but hey, I’ll take what I can get. So when I finally got a little money, I cleaned out my refrigerator and pantry and started the fuck over. I went and bought EXACTLY two weeks worth of hippy/health-nut food for breakfast lunch and dinner. Fish, I bought goddamn fish! And fucking granola and vegetables and trail mix. I changed my caloric intake drastically (look at me talking like I know what the hell I’m saying).
But then I thought, Why the fuck stop there? Shit, let’s just go for it. Let’s start exercising, and then as the retarded cherry on top; quit smoking. Because there’s no time like right after a break up to quit the one thing that keeps you from absolutely murdering every asshole that makes eye contact with you. Kids be damned, you’re not getting spared. You even so much as look my direction, I will tell you Santa Claus isn’t real as I throat-punch you with my fists of nicotine-free fury. Withdrawal will no longer be a symptom of quitting; it’ll be the description of when I remove my hand from your face. Yes, maybe I’m on edge…just a little; but hey, it’s all for the better, right? Getting healthy? Living longer? As if I want to live on this planet with all you mouth breathers for several more years anyway!
So now for the past two weeks, I’m on a ridiculous diet, I work out constantly to keep my mind off cigarettes and I’m in a fog-of-fuck in which I can’t seem to remove myself. My body hurts, my head hurts, I get confused and I’m angry. Is this what being healthy feels like? I don’t wanna do this shit anymore; you can keep your healthy lungs and six-pack abs, you jag-off douche-holes! The problem is, I’ve become so co-dependent on each new facet of my life that I can’t even quit now! I’m in a cycle of goddamn terror that I inflicted upon myself but no longer have the willpower or energy to stop. That all probably sounds pretty fucking stupid to those of you who are not in my position, so I’ll try to explain. To get over the breakup, I needed to focus on something else; diet. For the diet to have any meaning, obviously I had to quit smoking. And to be able to do something other than focus on quitting smoking and how badly I wanted to mainline a Marlboro, I had to start exercising like a fucking possessed monkey. It’s kind of like the theory that if you got stung on the hand by a bee when you were little, your dad would cross-check you with a hammer so you didn’t feel the bee sting anymore; or maybe that was just at my house. Anyway, so if the chain breaks down somewhere, I’m right back to throwing myself a pity party because the girl I thought I loved, left me. But hey, in the end I’ll be happy, right? Right? Seriously people, I need a fucking answer!
I’ve tried my hand at dating, but, to be honest, I’m entirely too broke to keep up the façade of being able to pay for dinner and drinks one or two nights a week; besides which fact, I don’t trust a single one of you vagina-having succubi (yes, it’s a word; look it up…I did). And what’s more is that on more than one occasion, I had to fake an emergency just to get away from the soul-sucking narcissism and/or complete stupidity of the person I was with. Yes, I’m very much aware I’m a narcissist as well, but fuck you; this is my blog and I do what I want. I digress, I don’t have the energy nor the patience any longer to deal with girls who utter the following question: “Why is that security guard wearing a cowboy hat?” To which I find myself actually having to reply, after several seconds of dumbfounded silence, “He’s got a gun…He’s a Texas State Trooper. It says so right there on his sleeve.” It took every ounce of energy I possessed to not stand up and flip the table over in complete rage. That was the very first date I went on since being single. If I can’t smoke, I can’t deal with mind-blowingly stupid people…no matter how hot. So, dating is out. Besides, I’m entirely too focused on being, you know, a starving addict who compulsively does sit-ups.
My head is so foggy, I can barely remember what I’ve typed or how to end this abortion. At least it was therapeutic…I think. I can’t remember. Jesus-sweet-fucking-Christ, I can barely hold my head up. At least I have 3 miles of running in 3 million degree heat to look forward to this afternoon. I’m totally psyched! At least now I understand Bob Saget’s line in Half Baked, “You ever sucked dick for coke?” I’m kind of at that point with the nicotine. Seriously…anyone have cigarette? I’ll do it…
P.S.- I had pictures but things have changed since I last posted and I literally can’t fucking figure out how to place the pictures where I want them and with captions. Sorry folks, I’m in a haze so if you don’t like it…well, you know the rest.