Dan Dan, The Homophobic Chicken Man

This was written at the suggestion of my good friend KM.  I’m not sure I fully went the direction she intended; but then again, I know I probably went too far left and alienated some friends…and family, who are on the other side as well.  That said, fuck you all kindly, this is my blog…get your own 🙂

I have a confession to make.  I used to be a homophobe.  Forgive me, I’m from Texas and I was raised that way. That’s a true story.  It was a true story all the way up and to the point that I actually thought about it for a second and realized something: I simply do not care.  I’m neither a homophobe or pro-homo…I’m pro-Romo, but that’s a whole other topic. Basically, it has no bearing on my life whether or not you want to put your P in a V (shout out to Forgetting Sarah Marshall), or your P in a B, or someone puts their P in your B, or you rub P’s like light sabers.  Perhaps you’re a girl; I don’t care if you are and you want to put P’s in your V and in your B and in your M; perhaps you’re into rubbing your V on another woman’s T’s or T’s on T’s while P’s are in your V’s and B’s; or maybe you want to rub V’s with another V or…um…scissor(?)…I don’t know, I got lost for a second, but I think you get the point; all the letters of the sexual-organ-world could never make me understand how people like Chick-fil-A CEO – of a national fucking corporation – Dan Cathy, could publicly state that he only supports “traditional marriage”.  You run a billion dollar company numb nuts!  But hey, you have the right to support whatever you want, it’s America, baby!  My problem is, why expend the energy to fight something that doesn’t even fucking affect you?  Are these homosexuals coming to your house and chasing you with uncondom-ed penises and jars of Ass-tro Glide?  Are they dressed up in gimp-leather trying to bend you over your “traditional” couch and finger-bang you with un-gloved hands dipped in blended butter-nut squash?  If they are, well, those are just some sick bastards who probably just don’t like you; but as for the rest of the gay population, as with the straight population, 99% of the people are good; there’s just that 1% that has to fuck it up for everyone.

What do gay horses eat? Haaaaay!!

So get off your high – and possibly gay – horse, and just think about it for a half a second.  Say the bible really is your favorite book (though I can’t imagine you’d say that after reading some Chuck Palahniuk), you should at least know that God is going to punish those “anal-raiding-butt-pirates” (my quote, not Cathy’s) in accordance with the laws of heaven, and that you should just sit back with one of your seriously “heavenly” chicken sandwiches and freaking relax, cowboy!  Hey, ‘whosoever is without sin, cast the first stone’, right?  Or ‘judge not, lest ye be judged first’?  Pick a line from your favorite book and follow it, you hypocritical thunder-cunt; and while you’re at it, quit donating to anti-gay lobbyists.

I’m all for religion if it makes you happy and you find solace in its teachings and dogma; but its teachings should apply individually to you and your interpretation and not you’re interpretation applying to everyone else.  Some Christians think it’s bad to eat pork and for women to have short hair; some Christians disagree and feel that that’s from the Old Testament and things are different now.  Guess what?  Neither one of them is trying prevent the other from running for mayor or eating a goddamn chicken sandwich.  So why are gays singled out by Chick-fil-A?  Because it’s the one thing these cockwads are focused on.  They’re literally so focused on where other men put their penises, that I would consider them (Dan Cathy) to be on an even higher plane of ‘gay’ than Elton fucking John.  That’s right…Elton John is less gay than Dan Cathy simply because Mr. John probably doesn’t worry about where other people’s penises are going every day, or – not to be misogynistic and leave the girls out – where and with whom, women rub vaginas.

But not to be solely on the homo-support bandwagon, I think the people who are taking time out of their day to go and protest Chick-fil-A because I guess “fuck chicken and the people who make it”, are also re-goddamn-tarded.  Seriously people, it’s fucking chicken.  If you don’t like Dan Cathy and the rest of his little religious cult saying “…being gay is just so gay” – or something to that extent – then just don’t fucking go.  It’s that simple.  Everybody has to have a cause – mine is anti-political-correctness – but I’m not making national headlines by bitch-slapping my haters with poorly written signs and shitty puns either.  I have my little corner of the internet where I can spew all the shit I want and not obstruct a single person and make them feel like they’re “scabs” crossing the line during a strike.  Fuck Chick-fil-A, but uber-fuck the guy that tells me I can’t eat it because it supports the anti-gay movement.  Bitch, fuck-off, I’m supporting my stomach with delicious chicken that is constructed much like the particle board they sell at Home Depot.  

See what I mean!? Shitty Puns!

Honestly, I can’t really say if I’ll never eat there again…I’m entirely too ADD to remember shit like that 2 years down the road; besides which fact, it’s my youngest son’s favorite thing to eat for breakfast.  I suppose I will protest by not eating there, but that’s not saying much since I stated in my last post that I no longer eat fast food.  My point is, like TV and radio, if you don’t like it, just turn the shit off.  Cathy should have kept his mouth shut since he probably also harkens for the days of segregation and slave ownership; but I can’t totally fault him for speaking what’s on his mind and saying what he believes (I do it on here myself).  We have a choice now; we can choose to eat his delicious sandwich of hatred or choose not to eat his tasty sandwich of bigotry.  After that, we need to move the fuck on.  Quit expelling so much energy on inane things.  Of all the things that anger and piss me off, none of it has to do with skin color or sexuality – it’s just human nature in general that pisses me off.  Nonsensical hatred against almond colored homos who practice Judaism, and protesting against oxygen because somebody they don’t like farted in it – is all just wasted energy that could be used to end war or hunger or the Kardashians…something we could all unite together on.

11 Responses to “Dan Dan, The Homophobic Chicken Man”
  1. PD Williams says:

    I could not have ranted better myself … that’s why I read you. And, again, I’m very glad you’re back.

  2. Nic says:

    First of all, I’m SO glad you’re back. Secondly, as (probably) your gayest fan, I must say this is one of my favorite angry rants ever, and will controversially agree that simply avoiding rather than fighting these businesses is the way to go.

    I’ve been pretending C-f-A doesn’t exist for a while now, since word was out on their anti-gay donations well before this whole saga. And as fucked up as that whole National C-f-A day stunt was, I was too busy with my P and another P and a B to waste any energy protesting the probably-illiterate-dumbasses (including Sarah Palin) who showed up.

    • graysonjack says:

      Ah, so good to see you. When I was writing this, I honestly was thinking of you…not your P though; just that you’re really the only gay person I know…sad isn’t it? Anyway, I was worried that you’d not like it because I wasn’t taking a stance and protesting C-f-A; but I also wanted to stay true to myself. What they did/are doing is wrong; I just can’t justify physically protesting one way or the other. I’ll stand up and fight for gay rights any day because I believe when we, as a nation, said everyone is equal, that should actually include EVERYONE; but a restaurant with poor business practices and decisions shouldn’t even be bothered with like you said. Just avoid it.
      On another note, glad to see you were getting a little P on P and B action! From what I’ve read in your past blogs, I believe that means it’s serious? Hope all is well and I look forward to reading that beautiful prose.

  3. You said it right in the beginning: it’s America, believe and say what you want….but from a strictly corporation standpoint….why would you want to alienate a group of people with two disposable incomes from your business?

    You would rather have me, family of six, broke as a joke split one sandwich among all of us? Or would you rather have the people with no kids and generally money to do with as they please. (I know this does not reflect everyone in the gay community.)

    Seems this guy needs an economics class more than anything.

    • graysonjack says:

      Dammit, I had an awesome (maybe) reply to your awesome comment, but somewhere along the line, I see it didn’t post. Basically I was saying that I absolutely agree with what you said. And also, that I must apologize for whining about being broke; you sir, have got it rough. I only have to worry about feeding myself…you have others to feed. Hopefully things pick up soon for you. Are you actively shopping any of your writing around?

  4. Amanda says:

    Ok, first: Welcome back. I’ve missed a fellow pedant/cynic treading the ever engulfing waters of PC crap. Big hugs and high fives. And second: religion and one’s religious views should be treated like your penis. Namely, don’t whip it out in public, don’t shove it down your children’s throats, and for shit’s sake, don’t rub it all over a chicken sandwich!!

  5. why am I here in a handbasket? says:

    Good writing. I personally don’t want a female T near my V or A. Nor do I want an S near the area. I prefer a big C but I clearly don’t give a flying shit what anyone else does.
    I guess I could translate – T: tongue. S: strap on. C: cock. V: already defined. A: anus. I couldn’t use a B, I’m a nurse and use the correct terminology whenever possible. Except for cock because I like saying it.

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