Hell, Hate and the Helping Hand of Humanity
So…the human race sucks. Don’t worry; I include myself in the shenanigans of humanity. But honestly, we’re to the earth, as crack was to Whitney Houston…too soon? We are to the earth, as child rape was to the papacy; better?
I’m not just speaking “hippy-like, mother earth, we’ve got to save nature” type thing; I mean, people straight up fuck with the concept of humanity. For example: “Hey, I know you’re a living, breathing, feeling person capable of love, with family and friends and fucking cats; but I don’t like the fact that, as a male, you put your penis inside other males. Now go burn in hell, you abomination!”
Or, “I know there’s people starving who would swan dive, naked into a pool of rusty AIDs-razors just for a single pink-paste McDonald’s chicken nugget, buuuuut…I’m going to build a $130 million church…to replace the one we already have, with the money from the offering plate. *Ahem* Robert Jeffress of First Baptist Church of Dallas.
What the actual fuck?! My head is spinning in dis-fucking-belief! If the old building was dicked-up and the plumbing was regurgitating more shit than the man in the pulpit, then fine…spend $30 million and spruce that bitch up a bit. You know, get some new curtains, pews with a fucking cushion, fix the roof where lightening has no doubt struck several times; you could even reroute some of the pipes so you’re not pumping in fecal-water directly from the Trinity river for your baptismal font. But then the rest of the $130 million goes to, I don’t know, helping little Jimmy and his syphilitic mother; hey, even a whore deserves a helping (latex gloved) hand every so often. Besides, it’s not little Jimmy’s fault his mother spent the ‘$15/month’ grocery budget on alcohol so she could anesthetize herself while another member of the Dallas City Council defecated on her scarred chest for 3 dimes, a Virginia Slim cigarette and a stick of Wrigley’s Gum…not even the good, spearmint shit! No…fucking original flavor. Jimmy’s mom doesn’t seem to be very good at math.
Instead, ten year old Jimmy gets to sign up for Altar Boy duty with the heathen-Catholic church around the corner, so that once a week he can get some sustenance with a 14 calorie cracker and some Jesus-juice. Yes, he has to tolerate a wrinkled, priestly prick now and then, but at least he’s alive, right? And his soul is saved.
Alright, I’ll get off religion; lord knows they’ve “gotten off” their fair share. We can now turn our attention to the regular folk such as you and me. How many times have you seen somebody on the side of the road, car broke down, out of gas, over heated, or a person laying down , sans left arm with a mangled bicycle mere yards from their twisted torso, and just passed by saying to yourself, “Oh, somebody will surely help them! I would, but I’m late getting home; The Bachelor is on in 15 minutes and I STILL have to stop at the gas station for a pack of Marlboro reds, a bottle of $3 wine and a lottery ticket.”? …or is that just me? Point is we’re fucking assholes who ALWAYS think there’s someone else who is a less shitty person than ourselves, who will help the less fortunate out. “Surely not everyone is as much of a selfish cock-holster as me!” But the truth is we all tend to suck as human beings in that regard. Sure; every now and then we find ourselves with, literally, nothing else to do and reluctantly help our fellow man out; but so help me god, that shit-head who inconvenienced me out of 5, FIVE of my precious goddamn minutes, better do nothing short of suck me to completion; the ungrateful little bitch.
Even the armless bike-wreck-guy would be like, “Oh…you want me to use my own shirt to help stem the flow of blood coming from my disgusting stump? If I’d have known I was going to have to ruin my own shirt, I’d have waited on the next person to help me!”
Yes! As a species, we suck! We leave all the “helping” up to the next guy; meanwhile we build temples to ourselves and worship whatever entity (be it God, Yahweh, Allah, Shiva, Buddha, Dolla-dolla-bills, Kim Kardashian or…fucking…Ryan Seacrest) that alleviates our guilt for being shallow, ball-less, selfish, fuck-tards.
But hey, I donated a dollar at the grocery store for ‘Kids Without Sphincters’ or some shit…which ironically, after a year on altar boy duty, little Jimmy is the spokesperson for. My donation makes me a better human being than you…so fuck off! I hope your Gonorrhea literally catches your genitals on fire, because I wouldn’t piss on you to save your life. Go Earth!