I banged a hooker once. Oh…real quick; big sis, you might want to skip this post. Alright, where was I? Hooker banging, yes. In my formative years, when I was in the service, me and 5 other guys decided one drunken weekend to load up on Viagra and book it South into Tijuana…you know, to build morale after our return from deployment and all our wives left us for men who weren’t…gone. The Viagra, ironically enough, was doctor prescribed to my Staff Sergeant in order to help facilitate a “happier marriage”. Luckily for him it worked; as in he was now able to gain carnal knowledge of some beautiful professional woman, thereby allowing him to better tolerate his quickly crumbling marriage and become happier. The wonders of modern medicine know no bounds.
We ended up at a place that for all intents and purposes, appeared to be a typical night club. The only difference was that every woman in the place wouldn’t think twice about letting you pee on them…for the right price of course. That’s the moment I knew what George Clooney felt like when he walked into a room and every woman clambered to have him fill their…well, clam. It was a good night that allowed men to build everlasting bonds. There really wasn’t a point to that story; I just wanted to share a personal anecdote with you, my dear readers, in order to develop a similar bond. It’s all about solidifying relationships; you know what I mean?
So SWAG…this is apparently a trend now. You seen it? The core demographic is like, ages 13 to 17. I’m pretty sure their only purpose is to prove unequivocally how much of an insufferable douche one person can be. And to think, these fucking knuckle draggers, who barely have a properly functioning brain between the lot of them, will one day be expected to make informed decisions when it comes to running companies, the country or even a cash register at the local dollar store. I imagine I feel similar to the parents of my youth, who had to deal with the “punks”. But at least these punks had a fucking ideology, as misguided as it might have been. They were all about fighting “the man” and government and ‘God (don’t) Save the Queen’ or whatever bullshit they deemed worthy of their scorn. However, these SWAG jag-offs openly reject any sort of logical thought. YOLO! Are you fucking kidding me? You Only Live Once? How is the fact that your intrinsic mortality is an open invitation to do the most retarded things imaginable? “Drunk af [sic] going 120 drifting corners #FuckIt YOLO!” That’s an actual Twitter post! Yes…thin out the gene pool for me, you single-brain-cell having anal stain!
Here’s my favorite “SWAG” quote: “Who needs good grades when you have SWAG?” Did your head just explode like mine? I’d call that person a fucking idiot, BUT THEY ALREADY ADMITTED IT GODDAMMIT!! The level of stupidity reached in that sentence alone, is enough to make me choke slam a teenager repeatedly, until the only sound the individual can muster is “brrgle ghrbl”. Then and only then will they have actually increased whatever minimal IQ they may have started with. I hope you like sucking the shit out of port-a-johns with a garden hose, because that’s the only fucking job you’ll be qualified for if SWAG is the only thing you can add to your resume.
One more awesomely intelligent quote: “I don’t need to differentiate between YOUR and YOU’RE when I have so much SWAG.” Boom! Reading that sentence just gave you cancer. Congratulations, game over. I’m actually mildly impressed with whatever Mark-Twain-level genius was able to dig the word ‘differentiate’ out of the gelatinous mass they call a brain.
Welcome to the future ladies and gentlemen; these are the individuals who, come next election, are going to help decide our next president. Their basis for judging a candidates ability to lead our country isn’t education, experience or even religious beliefs, but fucking SWAG. Awesome!
Of everything I’ve written about that makes me angry, I don’t think anything compares with these chode-yodelers. Their complete embrace of ignorance scares me. Who wants to be that stupid?! I mean, all the SWAG in the world isn’t going to buy your next meal, much less pay for the litter of mouth-breathers you breed because you can’t afford condoms on your minimum wage salary working at Zumiez, selling shitty shoes. Give me five minutes with one of these twat-waffles and I’ll show them what a real-world fist looks like up close and what said fist will do to your SWAG when it meets your mongoloid face. YOLO? Yeah, I’ll ensure you meet that fate sooner rather than later if you ever try to step up to me with your bullshit “life philosophy”.
You think you live dangerously? I’ll pull your goddamn gaudy SWAG shirt over your flat billed hat and hockey punch you until you scream that Stephen Hawking and his robot voice have more ‘SWAG’ than your tiny brain could ever comprehend.
And for you female “SWAG Artists” (which, funny enough, reminds me of a ‘sandwich artist’ at Subway); I’ll no doubt see you in Tijuana in a few years as you look through me, glassy eyed, contemplating your theory of “who needs good grades…”, you dumbass SWAG Hag. And remember sweetheart, I pay extra for the ability to pee on a girl. YOLO mother fucker!
[Some of you might be wondering if I actually had sex with a hooker or if it was complete fiction made up for a laugh; to that I say…OK. I’ll let you decide for yourself. But I think some small part of you hopes beyond hope that I was able to live the dream.]