SWAG Hag
I banged a hooker once. Oh…real quick; big sis, you might want to skip this post. Alright, where was I? Hooker banging, yes. In my formative years, when I was in the service, me and 5 other guys decided one drunken weekend to load up on Viagra and book it South into Tijuana…you know, to build morale after our return from deployment and all our wives left us for men who weren’t…gone. The Viagra, ironically enough, was doctor prescribed to my Staff Sergeant in order to help facilitate a “happier marriage”. Luckily for him it worked; as in he was now able to gain carnal knowledge of some beautiful professional woman, thereby allowing him to better tolerate his quickly crumbling marriage and become happier. The wonders of modern medicine know no bounds.
Tijauna…the land of opportunity
We ended up at a place that for all intents and purposes, appeared to be a typical night club. The only difference was that every woman in the place wouldn’t think twice about letting you pee on them…for the right price of course. That’s the moment I knew what George Clooney felt like when he walked into a room and every woman clambered to have him fill their…well, clam. It was a good night that allowed men to build everlasting bonds. There really wasn’t a point to that story; I just wanted to share a personal anecdote with you, my dear readers, in order to develop a similar bond. It’s all about solidifying relationships; you know what I mean?
So SWAG…this is apparently a trend now. You seen it? The core demographic is like, ages 13 to 17. I’m pretty sure their only purpose is to prove unequivocally how much of an insufferable douche one person can be. And to think, these fucking knuckle draggers, who barely have a properly functioning brain between the lot of them, will one day be expected to make informed decisions when it comes to running companies, the country or even a cash register at the local dollar store. I imagine I feel similar to the parents of my youth, who had to deal with the “punks”. But at least these punks had a fucking ideology, as misguided as it might have been. They were all about fighting “the man” and government and ‘God (don’t) Save the Queen’ or whatever bullshit they deemed worthy of their scorn. However, these SWAG jag-offs openly reject any sort of logical thought. YOLO! Are you fucking kidding me? You Only Live Once? How is the fact that your intrinsic mortality is an open invitation to do the most retarded things imaginable? “Drunk af [sic] going 120 drifting corners #FuckIt YOLO!” That’s an actual Twitter post! Yes…thin out the gene pool for me, you single-brain-cell having anal stain!
The stupid…it burns!
Here’s my favorite “SWAG” quote: “Who needs good grades when you have SWAG?” Did your head just explode like mine? I’d call that person a fucking idiot, BUT THEY ALREADY ADMITTED IT GODDAMMIT!! The level of stupidity reached in that sentence alone, is enough to make me choke slam a teenager repeatedly, until the only sound the individual can muster is “brrgle ghrbl”. Then and only then will they have actually increased whatever minimal IQ they may have started with. I hope you like sucking the shit out of port-a-johns with a garden hose, because that’s the only fucking job you’ll be qualified for if SWAG is the only thing you can add to your resume.
SWAG is synonymous with “smells like a french-fryer and questionable hamburger meat”
One more awesomely intelligent quote: “I don’t need to differentiate between YOUR and YOU’RE when I have so much SWAG.” Boom! Reading that sentence just gave you cancer. Congratulations, game over. I’m actually mildly impressed with whatever Mark-Twain-level genius was able to dig the word ‘differentiate’ out of the gelatinous mass they call a brain.
Cancer.
Welcome to the future ladies and gentlemen; these are the individuals who, come next election, are going to help decide our next president. Their basis for judging a candidates ability to lead our country isn’t education, experience or even religious beliefs, but fucking SWAG. Awesome!
Of everything I’ve written about that makes me angry, I don’t think anything compares with these chode-yodelers. Their complete embrace of ignorance scares me. Who wants to be that stupid?! I mean, all the SWAG in the world isn’t going to buy your next meal, much less pay for the litter of mouth-breathers you breed because you can’t afford condoms on your minimum wage salary working at Zumiez, selling shitty shoes. Give me five minutes with one of these twat-waffles and I’ll show them what a real-world fist looks like up close and what said fist will do to your SWAG when it meets your mongoloid face. YOLO? Yeah, I’ll ensure you meet that fate sooner rather than later if you ever try to step up to me with your bullshit “life philosophy”.
You think you live dangerously? I’ll pull your goddamn gaudy SWAG shirt over your flat billed hat and hockey punch you until you scream that Stephen Hawking and his robot voice have more ‘SWAG’ than your tiny brain could ever comprehend.
Mr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, people. Learn his name.
And for you female “SWAG Artists” (which, funny enough, reminds me of a ‘sandwich artist’ at Subway); I’ll no doubt see you in Tijuana in a few years as you look through me, glassy eyed, contemplating your theory of “who needs good grades…”, you dumbass SWAG Hag. And remember sweetheart, I pay extra for the ability to pee on a girl. YOLO mother fucker!
No caption needed.
[Some of you might be wondering if I actually had sex with a hooker or if it was complete fiction made up for a laugh; to that I say…OK. I’ll let you decide for yourself. But I think some small part of you hopes beyond hope that I was able to live the dream.]
graysonjack
angry rant 
I really want to join a website or start a rant blog. You have inspired me to do so, and mainly because I hate people who throw a blanket over a situation and judge. As a young person in a university striving to be academically successful, I fall under that category of age groups who use “swag” and other “dumb” terms that apparently give you cancer. But I am nothing like that and plan on being a doctor and making decisions about our future and all of the things that the older generation, the generation who raised us, fear. But now I will get a comment along the lines of, no we weren’t talking about you. Just other people. No, you were. Because you tend to look for things that you hate. You looks for things that annoy you. And you miss the things that you may actually support; which is why if you’re sad about your weight all you ever see is skinny people and vice versa.
But then again I suppose this is your view and not my place to throw opinions.
Perhaps maybe clarify your target rant subjects next time, because it makes me die a little inside and feel as though what I am doing is worthless.
First of all, I’m glad I was able to inspire you to start your own blog…writing is a wonderful thing and I wish you nothing but the best of luck in your endeavors.
Second, it’s absolutely your “place to throw opinions” on this blog. I welcome any and all opinions because how are we to ever learn and grow as a person if all we know are the things that fall in line with what we believe.
And finally, and very importantly, I think you missed the real meaning behind my blog. EVERYONE has things that piss them off, upset them, irritate them and so on; and I believe everyone should have a little slice of the internet to voice whatever it is that’s on their mind. I chose to do just that with my blog but embellish with hyperbole. Do I ACTUALLY feel these things with such extreme vigor…of course not. For the most part, I take a minor annoyance and then expound upon it in (what I thought) was an obviously over-the-top and humorous way. Don’t let my rants bring you down…fight back! My opinion doesn’t mean shit and is ever changing. 15 years ago I was kind of a racist. 10 years ago I was a bit of a homophobe. 5 years ago I was a republican. 2 years ago I was a person of faith. My life experiences and the people I talk to constantly mold and shape my personal views, so I’m always up for learning something new.
Please, don’t take what I say to heart…just take it for what it is – low-brow entertainment!
When you get your blog up and running, shoot me a line. I’d love to read what you’ve got.
Late bloomer on this blog post, but I had to chip in and say how much I hate ‘YOLO’. I saw some ‘kids’ (I’m starting to sound like an old hag) with YOLO tattoos. I had to ask what the hell that meant. ‘Are you kidding me, they’d actually get that tattoo’d on their body?’
I keep hoping that I’m just a bit more mature and I’m looking down on youngsters. I’ve done some dumb shit in my time, but somehow the new generation seems to take the cake every time!
I couldn’t agree more…I’ve been party to some questionable moments and styles in my life, but this current generation seems exponentially more douchey with their shenanigans. Hopefully the next generation picks up the slack where this one left off.
The only answer to a YOLO spouting cunt trickle? YODO, dumbass. You only die once, too. Let me expedite your way. Considering they won’t understand the term’expedite’ they’ll most likely believe it’s something “fuckin’ SWAG, bitch” and aid you in skimming the gene pool of their douchebaggery.
I think someone needs to start writing some rants too! Sounds like you’ve got some “issues” as well, haha. I do like YODO though…it’ll be the last thing they hear before the ‘crack’ of their jaw.
Whoa…wait…what? I save my rants for behind the wheel and your comment section! It’s a good thing you reemerged. I think I developed a rage tumor in your absence. You, sir, are cathartic.
Ah yes…the road rage rant; that’s my personal favorite! Haha, a rage tumor? We can’t have that! I better get to writing some more! I’ll do my best to be the chemo to your tumor. And I’m glad I could be of some assistance to you!
Well said, sir. Well said. I only use the word swag as it was meant to be used: either in reference to decorative cloth or greenery or to indicate plundered riches.
Those should be the ONLY definitions of swag! Thanks for reading!
Awesome post. I, too, am anti-SWAG.
Hey there, fellow ranter – glad you’re back! (That’s right: I know the difference between your and you’re. Yeah, bitch.) Just to clarify, what does SWAG stand for? (That is, if it stands for anything and isn’t just an arbitrary combination of letters thrown together by some idiot in an effort to sound “edgy” and “cool.”)
I also think it’s strange and disappointing and scary as hell that we’ve entered into some kind on anti-intellectual culture. Why is it cool to NOT know things? Like it makes you a better person to make up shit on the fly and pretend it’s truth instead of learning/knowing actual FACTS. I don’t get it. People get all up in arms about matters of national security – I think having a society whose majority thinks it’s cool to be dumb and uninformed makes us vulnerable to every kind of danger that exists. It seems we’re going backwards, evolutionarily speaking, which is so weird to me since now more than ever, information is readily available at our literal fingertips.
Oh, and I think you did bang a hooker. Hope you wrapped it up.
~Nikki
Hey there! Technically…I’m not BACK back…I just had some things to get off my chest. And nice job with the ability to differentiate between your and you’re!!
Technically SWAG is just short for “swagger”, which is stupid in and of itself. But they do try to make it an acronym, such as She Wants A Gentleman, which again is stupid. It’s another word used by the YOLO kids and it just pisses me off.