5 Rules To Follow When Talking To Me (1-2)

Posted by graysonjack on August 24, 2011 · 9 Comments 

If you know me personally, you know I’m not a big fan of pretty much the whole of the human race; especially when it comes to having to interact closely.  This isn’t something I show outwardly as I hide it well in public…unless you break one of my five rules of being near me.  Because I’m supposedly ADHD, and I truly have a short attention span, I’m going to break this list into two posts…hopefully it will be a little more tolerable that way.  So here it goes, 1-2 of 5 rules to follow when talking to me.

1.)  Respect My Personal Bubble-  This is my number one rule (obviously), to follow if you want to discuss anything at all with me.  There was a rule with the drill instructors in Marine boot camp; always keep one arm’s distance from them (unless you wanted an “accidental” forearm to the chest).  The same applies with me; there’s absolutely no reason for me to smell your last meal…especially if your last meal was lunch at the local heavily-garliqued, ethnic food restaurant and you are without toothbrush.  Don’t get me wrong, I love some chicken Tikka, (Indian), or bean, cheese and onion burritos, but I don’t get all up in your face and say, “Hi!  How’s it going?  Hell of a day huh?”, right after consuming said heartburn inducing meal…or ever for that matter.

Not to mention, it’s also physically uncomfortable.  If I’m standing in line, move the fuck back off my ass!  What are you accomplishing by standing so close to me?  Do you feel as though the line will move faster if everyone is on top of each other in front of the register.  And if we’re co-workers talking, guess what, I can hear you just fine even if your lips are further than 3 inches away from my ear; I promise.  Take the visual cue; if I’m backing away as you speak, you’re either too close to me or there’s a bomb behind you and I am trying to slowly back away so as not to disturb the explosive.  One way or another, I’d like the conversation to be over.

2.)  Don’t Talk So Much-  “Hey Tom, where’s that box of herpes coated syringes and blue M&M’s?” 

The expected answer: “Cabinet by the door; top shelf.”

What do I get instead(?); a ten minute dissertation on the affect needle production has on children’s bowel movements in third world countries.  I don’t fucking care!  Why are you talking to me?  Are you lonely?  How about you save that speech for our boss so I can have a few minutes of peace and privacy in my office while I check out the ‘Thong of the Day’ online.

It’s so frustrating to be in a hurry, have one simple request, but get tied up for 15 damn minutes listening to some mind rapist drone on about adjusting the antenna in his room so he can get better reception to watch a special about a guy in Alaska on PBS (true story).  And God forbid it’s a stranger standing in line at the store.  Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, “Talk to me, I need a friend”?  No!  Exchange pleasantries with me then leave me alone.  It’s awkward enough as it is standing here with a box of Preparation H (wife’s wrinkle cream), and industrial size tub of Vaseline (son’s diaper rash).  Move along buddy, nothing to see here!

Filed under rants in list form · Tagged with ADHD, Alaska, Chicken tikka, Personal Bubble, Preparation H, Queue area, Vaseline