5 Rules to Follow When Driving Near Me
I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable or if I’m actually part of the majority, but other drivers completely suck ass. I want you to know that I value my readers (all 4 of them), but if you break one of my rules of driving, I absolutely loathe and despise you and wish genital herpes upon you. If you have herpes already, well, it’s probably because you cut me off on the freeway and life sucks for you.
Rule # 1- By far my most important rule; use your God damned blinker. Car manufacturers install these for a reason so put down your fucking cell phone and/or at a minimum, cheeseburger, and use that free hand to utilize your turn signal. I don’t give a flying monkey fuck if there is no one with in a mile of you; like anything else you have to get into the habit (much like stuffing your fat face with taco bell everyday). Otherwise you turn out to be one of those ass hats that cut me off with nary a clue to your intentions. I promise you, I swear on the bible if you put your blinker on… I will let you over; most people will. And while I’m at it, don’t fucking jerk into my lane out of left field, blinker or not, and throw your hands in the air as if bewildered when I get pissed and flip you the bird. I need to express my anger at your complete lack of competent behavior somehow!
Rule # 2- This is probably the one that actually makes me want to jerk the steering wheel straight into the median causing a giant fiery crash and your untimely death the most; after you contract herpes of course. Left lane drivers. I know for a fact that it’s universal knowledge the left lane is for passing; hell, it’s in the Student Drivers Handbook! Why in the mother fuck are you going 60 in the left lane you half a brain cell having, shit stain?! Do you not see the 800 cars blowing passed you cursing your stupidity, flipping you off, flashing their brights and honking their horns?! Get the fuck out of la-la land and pay attention to your surroundings; they aren’t congratulating you on a drive well done!
I don’t feel I should have to preface this by saying I’m not racist, especially seeing as that I belong to one of the most disliked minority groups on the planet right now; but for you sensitive pansies out there…I’m Not Racist; I just hate everyone equally no matter race, creed or sexual orientation. So, with that being said, Hispanics, Blacks, Asians and women…get the holy fuck out of the left lane! You’re slowing down traffic and creating a rolling road block with the person going the same speed next to you! Don’t act all offended when I finally get the chance to go around you and do so angrily. It’s the passing lane, not the get passed lane. I don’t give a shit how slow you want to go, just do it in any lane OTHER than the left lane you inconsiderate bastard!
Rule # 3- Learn how the fuck to merge. Jesus, you people act like someone asked you to perform open heart surgery. If you’re coming onto the freeway and there is no traffic, speed the fuck up! Get going the speed of the people already driving, put your blinker on and get the bloody hell over. If there is traffic, utilize the ‘every other car’ rule, that’s what people do in lines when they’re walking, why can’t that apply when driving? Is it because you have a big metal box “protecting” you so you can be as big a jack wagon as you want? Because my ass will get out of my truck, walk over to your Prius and pull you the fuck out the window for pissing me off you pretentious little prick. It wouldn’t be the first time. I have no qualms about punching an old man in his bespectacled face. If you’re bigger than me…well then I will give you a very angry but respectful warning. Point is, it should be: merger, freeway car, merger, freeway car, etc. ad infinitum. Now, if you’re in a lane that ends, so help me Christ if you try to wait until the very last God damned second to merge into the correct lane, which everyone else has done already, I will NOT let you over. You should have gotten over when everyone else did, and I don’t give a rat fuck if that lane just drops off into oblivion, you should have thought about that earlier. You better hope you can turn that mumu into a parachute.
That leads me to my next point; riding the shoulder after the lane ends. Who the fuck do you think you are?! This isn’t the 3rd grade and there isn’t any cutting! I don’t care if your exit is next, get in line and wait like everyone else, my exit is next too dick for brains! If I see you coming up behind me in my rear-view, I will not hesitate to swerve over and drive half in my lane and half on the shoulder just so I can block you. You’re not special no matter how animated you are when waving your gun around. Just be happy I don’t get out and introduce your uvula to the barrel of said gun grandma! Seriously people, would you just barge your way to the front of the line at a grocery store because you only had 2 items? No, you sit patiently in line cursing the rude bitch in front of you who clearly has more than 10 items in the express lane. Bottle it up like everyone else; it makes for a much more polite society.
Rule # 4- This one actually causes more traffic than any wreck itself; rubberneckers. I know we’re a society that has an abnormal morbid curiosity, but fuck me running, unless there’s explosions and/or dead bodies strewn about the road liberally, roll your window the fuck up and drive; I gotta make it to the titty bar by 7 to cash in on happy hour lap dances you jag-off! Honestly though, ask yourself why you feel the need to watch some cop give a 45 year old douche bag in an Ed-Hardy shirt with pieced ears, driving a Miata, a speeding ticket. I know I know, his frosted tips and oompah loompah orange spray-on tan skin is an absolute mind fuck but you know what would be even more unbelievable? Me making it home from work in under 3 damn hours! And God forbid there be an overweight gorilla changing a flat in the shoulder. You’d think these drivers were seeing Mary, mother of Jesus herself in that poor schlubs ass crack. Nobody ever seen an ass wig before?! Move along people, Chastity isn’t gonna be giving $5 lap dances all night!
Rule # 5- This is a blanket rule for everything else I didn’t specifically cover; just basic courtesy on the road. It feels like when everyone turns the ignition on, common sense and manners take a vacation. I mentioned it earlier, but my honest to God theory is that when people are completely enclosed and cut off from the human contact normally surrounding them, they lose their fucking mind and feel invincible. It reminds me of people on the internet, you can be as big and bad ass as you like online because you’re anonymous. You put that person face to face with the same person they insulted online and their balls find permanent residence in their lungs. The same thing applies in cars; and I’ve proved it several times. I’ll call someone out on their bullshit behavior on the road, they get all irate and act like they are Billy-bad-ass and wanna box. So, not wanting to disappoint said driver, I direct them to the next gas station. What do they do? Suddenly they aren’t so pissed off anymore and have somewhere to be…quickly. The few who do decide to pull over, well these gems pull up to the parking lot, see me get out and that I’m serious as a happy hour lap dance, then change their minds. Of course not before they roll down the window and yell out some half assed insult before they peel ass the fuck out of there…naturally. If you’re gonna be an asshole on the road, have the jewels to back up your behavior. Or better yet, don’t be an asshole; odds are you’re going to find someone who’s had an extremely shitty day and won’t even wait for you to pull over before they start shooting up your lame ass PT Cruiser…it happens. Which means I should probably take my own advice…damn!
Just please, for the love of God and my own sanity, follow the same guidelines and principles you do in every day life while around people in the flesh. Common courtesy and manners go a long way and speed up the flow of traffic. Allow me to hate human kind just a little less. I promise you, it’ll be better for everyone.