5 Rules to Follow When Driving Near Me

I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable or if I’m actually part of the majority, but other drivers completely suck ass.  I want you to know that I value my readers (all 4 of them), but if you break one of my rules of driving, I absolutely loathe and despise you and wish genital herpes upon you.  If you have herpes already, well, it’s probably because you cut me off on the freeway and life sucks for you.

Rule # 1- By far my most important rule; use your God damned blinker.  Car manufacturers install these for a reason so put down your fucking cell phone and/or at a minimum, cheeseburger, and use that free hand to utilize your turn signal.  I don’t give a flying monkey fuck if there is no one with in a mile of you; like anything else you have to get into the habit (much like stuffing your fat face with taco bell everyday).  Otherwise you turn out to be one of those ass hats that cut me off with nary a clue to your intentions.  I promise you, I swear on the bible if you put your blinker on… I will let you over; most people will.  And while I’m at it, don’t fucking jerk into my lane out of left field, blinker or not, and throw your hands in the air as if bewildered when I get pissed and flip you the bird.  I need to express my anger at your complete lack of competent behavior somehow!

Rule # 2-  This is probably the one that actually makes me want to jerk the steering wheel straight into the median causing a giant fiery crash and your untimely death the most; after you contract herpes of course.  Left lane drivers.  I know for a fact that it’s universal knowledge the left lane is for passing; hell, it’s in the Student Drivers Handbook!  Why in the mother fuck are you going 60 in the left lane you half a brain cell having, shit stain?!  Do you not see the 800 cars blowing passed you cursing your stupidity, flipping you off, flashing their brights and honking their horns?!  Get the fuck out of la-la land and pay attention to your surroundings; they aren’t congratulating you on a drive well done!

I don’t feel I should have to preface this by saying I’m not racist, especially seeing as that I belong to one of the most disliked minority groups on the planet right now; but for you sensitive pansies out there…I’m Not Racist; I just hate everyone equally no matter race, creed or sexual orientation.  So, with that being said, Hispanics, Blacks, Asians and women…get the holy fuck out of the left lane!  You’re slowing down traffic and creating a rolling road block with the person going the same speed next to you!  Don’t act all offended when I finally get the chance to go around you and do so angrily.  It’s the passing lane, not the get passed lane.  I don’t give a shit how slow you want to go, just do it in any lane OTHER than the left lane you inconsiderate bastard!

Rule # 3- Learn how the fuck to merge.  Jesus, you people act like someone asked you to perform open heart surgery.  If you’re coming onto the freeway and there is no traffic, speed the fuck up!  Get going the speed of the people already driving, put your blinker on and get the bloody hell over.  If there is traffic, utilize the ‘every other car’ rule, that’s what people do in lines when they’re walking, why can’t that apply when driving?  Is it because you have a big metal box “protecting” you so you can be as big a jack wagon as you want?  Because my ass will get out of my truck, walk over to your Prius and pull you the fuck out the window for pissing me off you pretentious little prick.  It wouldn’t be the first time.  I have no qualms about punching an old man in his bespectacled face.  If you’re bigger than me…well then I will give you a very angry but respectful warning.  Point is, it should be: merger, freeway car, merger, freeway car, etc. ad infinitum.  Now, if you’re in a lane that ends, so help me Christ if you try to wait until the very last God damned second to merge into the correct lane, which everyone else has done already, I will NOT let you over.  You should have gotten over when everyone else did, and I don’t give a rat fuck if that lane just drops off into oblivion, you should have thought about that earlier.  You better hope you can turn that mumu into a parachute.

That leads me to my next point; riding the shoulder after the lane ends.  Who the fuck do you think you are?!  This isn’t the 3rd grade and there isn’t any cutting!  I don’t care if your exit is next, get in line and wait like everyone else, my exit is next too dick for brains!  If I see you coming up behind me in my rear-view, I will not hesitate to swerve over and drive half in my lane and half on the shoulder just so I can block you.  You’re not special no matter how animated you are when waving your gun around.  Just be happy I don’t get out and introduce your uvula to the barrel of said gun grandma!  Seriously people, would you just barge your way to the front of the line at a grocery store because you only had 2 items?  No, you sit patiently in line cursing the rude bitch in front of you who clearly has more than 10 items in the express lane.  Bottle it up like everyone else; it makes for a much more polite society.

Rule # 4- This one actually causes more traffic than any wreck itself; rubberneckers.  I know we’re a society that has an abnormal morbid curiosity, but fuck me running, unless there’s explosions and/or dead bodies strewn about the road liberally, roll your window the fuck up and drive; I gotta make it to the titty bar by 7 to cash in on happy hour lap dances you jag-off!  Honestly though, ask yourself why you feel the need to watch some cop give a 45 year old douche bag in an Ed-Hardy shirt with pieced ears, driving a Miata, a speeding ticket.  I know I know, his frosted tips and oompah loompah orange spray-on tan skin is an absolute mind fuck but you know what would be even more unbelievable?  Me making it home from work in under 3 damn hours!  And God forbid there be an overweight gorilla changing a flat in the shoulder.  You’d think these drivers were seeing Mary, mother of Jesus herself in that poor schlubs ass crack.  Nobody ever seen an ass wig before?!  Move along people, Chastity isn’t gonna be giving $5 lap dances all night!

Rule # 5- This is a blanket rule for everything else I didn’t specifically cover; just basic courtesy on the road.  It feels like when everyone turns the ignition on, common sense and manners take a vacation.  I mentioned it earlier, but my honest to God theory is that when people are completely enclosed and cut off from the human contact normally surrounding them, they lose their fucking mind and feel invincible.  It reminds me of people on the internet, you can be as big and bad ass as you like online because you’re anonymous.  You put that person face to face with the same person they insulted online and their balls find permanent residence in their lungs.  The same thing applies in cars; and I’ve proved it several times.  I’ll call someone out on their bullshit behavior on the road, they get all irate and act like they are Billy-bad-ass and wanna box.  So, not wanting to disappoint said driver, I direct them to the next gas station.  What do they do?  Suddenly they aren’t so pissed off anymore and have somewhere to be…quickly.  The few who do decide to pull over, well these gems pull up to the parking lot, see me get out and that I’m serious as a happy hour lap dance, then change their minds.  Of course not before they roll down the window and yell out some half assed insult before they peel ass the fuck out of there…naturally.  If you’re gonna be an asshole on the road, have the jewels to back up your behavior.  Or better yet, don’t be an asshole; odds are you’re going to find someone who’s had an extremely shitty day and won’t even wait for you to pull over before they start shooting up your  lame ass PT Cruiser…it happens.  Which means I should probably take my own advice…damn!

Just please, for the love of God and my own sanity, follow the same guidelines and principles you do in every day life while around people in the flesh.  Common courtesy and manners go a long way and speed up the flow of traffic.  Allow me to hate human kind just a little less.  I promise you, it’ll be better for everyone.

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Comments
15 Responses to “5 Rules to Follow When Driving Near Me”
  1. Amy S says:

    I just wrote a super similar article and google images turned up one of your pics. I hope you don’t mind if I steal it to equally rage at people who think they’re too special to merge with everyone else. Let me know if you do and I’ll delete with haste. Cheers!

  2. PA TURDS EVERYWHERE says:

    I agree with everything here except Rule 3 because you’re actually supposed to merge at the end of the lane, that’s why the lane is as long as it is. If people tried to merge at the beginning of the on ramp in heavy traffic, it would create an unnecessary back up behind them while a perfectly good stretch of road ahead of them is being wasted. It’s a more efficient way to use the road but since some people are pussies they merge too early and clog everything up behind them which could be an already busy street. If we can all agree that driving is not a race, then why do people care if someone they don’t know, who isn’t going to the same place they are, merges in front of them? I enjoy your rants, I’m sorry you’ve retired though.

    • Steve Hass says:

      actually the correct way to merge during busy hours is to take the merging lane to very end and merge. Its up to the drivers in the right lane to adjust their speed to allow you in. If a merging driver attempts to merge earlier, slowing down and yielding in the merging lane, this causes back up on the entrance ramp and accidents. So really, you’re wrong on that point. The merging driver is to take the merging lane all the way down and merge according to designated lines designed by the road engineers. The only exception is if the traffic is very light and there is no one behind the merging driver and the right lane is nearly empty.

  3. lifewith4cats says:

    ok heres one for you that gave me tremendous satisfaction. I still think fondly of it to this day. Once I was stuck behind a slow driver for a really, really long time. When I finally got oppertunity to pass them, I did, then slowed down to 6 miles an hour. Yes 6. I drove that way in front of them in my very wide car, swerving when nessisary to keep them from passing me. I kept up that speed until I myself was finally bored of it. Needless to say, when I’m proving a point, I don’t get bored easily.

    I do believe my method may just have taught them, that speed limits mean something.

    • graysonjack says:

      Haha, that’s great! But what I’ve come to realize, is that no matter how much of point you make that somebody is doing something stupid…they will always, and I mean ALWAYS think you’re the one who’s being a dick and in the wrong. So, I agree with what you did because ‘f’ them for blocking the road, but in the end I’m sure all they thought was that you were f’ing with them because you’re just a jerk…which sucks. That’s why I say we implement some sort of signage on the car that lets us type in a small message like, “Get the hell out of the left lane!” or “Use your blinker ass!”, or “Help, I’m being kidnapped by Somalian pirates even though I’m not in a boat in the middle of the sea, but in my family sedan in the middle of suburban America, and I have no money with which to negotiate my release and I’m getting a little nervous because they look to be getting itchy trigger fingers and I forgot to wear my bullet proof vest because what I really was afraid of were the drug cartels that have been all over the news lately.” You know, something like that. Anyway…great comment! Thank you so much for reading.

  4. Hey SUNSHINE i’m at the gas station, i’m waiting…… What’s up Jar head. This blog is outa control. Hello It’s 1 of your 4 readers. I got #6 for you: Hey shit for brains turn your fuckin turn signal off, it’s been on for the last 5 miles! or #7 If your car is so old that it runs on coal take it out of the fast lane bitch!

    • graysonjack says:

      You are cracking me and my wife’s shit up! We definitely agree on both of your added rules! We need to start a revolution on the road…led by devil dogs.

      • Hello Mrs. Leather neck. Pleasure to meet you. I apologize for my colorful language. I did not know you were on line. I don’t let my wife out of the closet till the morning. And thank you for letting little billy come out and play.

        • graysonjack says:

          Oh, she doesn’t mind the colorful language…she’s been around me for 12 years so I guess it doesn’t offend her too much haha. Anyway, she doesn’t really get online; I just shared your funny comment with her…through the closet door of course!

  5. Nick says:

    This post is hilarious! And oh so true… Allow me to bookmark it for future reference every time I curse riding the subway in Manhattan while fantasizing about my undergrad days of commuting to class via mid-sized sedan.

    • graysonjack says:

      Haha. I can’t even begin to imagine driving in Manhattan! I visited for two weeks once and traffic was a nightmare! Thanks for taking the time to read and post!

      • Nick says:

        Just to clarify, before you think I’m a badass city driver — I went to undergrad in suburban CT. I’ve only driven in Manhattan once — a U-Haul. Worst day of my life!

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